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Posts Tagged ‘self-esteem’

Ego – Is yours stealing your inner peace?

September 22nd, 2013 No comments

Ego – we all have one, the problem is it contributes to your stress, anxiety, frustration, anger, regret or contributes to your inner peace. What's the difference? Well when it's under control it helps us get through life with contentment, success and little stress. When it's out of control it is the cause of every negative emotion and most negative circumstances. Don't believe me? Read on.

There are a number of ego issues that impact our sense of inner peace and contentment. I will only discuss seven in this article. Not in the order of importance as each one can dominate a person's life even though they may not have any of the others they demonstrate in their life.

It's all about me –

Generally people with an out of control ego tend to be very self-absorbed. In other words their agendas, conversation, needs, wants and behavior is very 'about me'. Yes, many of these people can have compassion, understanding and interest in others, but if this is the case it is usually grounded in some form of selfishness or even narcissism. They can hide these attitudes or behaviors and come across as sensitive and empathetic but beware they are very good actors or actresses.

Control –

The ego does not like to feel out of control. It wants, no it needs to be in control of all things whether personal, relational or in your career or business. Yes, to be successful you need to have a secure and healthy ego but I can't tell you how many business leaders I have known over the years that put their own ego's control ahead of the success of their business or organization. When the ego in us feels out of control we tend to feel insecure, unsure and even emotionally unstable. In these situations we will make irrational decisions, sabotage relationships and increase our stress level.

Looking good –

The ego in us needs to look good and not how we define looking good but how others, society, clients, friends, peers and even family define looking good. Looking good means we are aware of all of the factors people use to judge others. The problem is you can never satisfy everyone's view or interpretation of what looks good and what doesn't but we keep trying; new cars, new homes, extravagant vacations, corporate airplanes, fancy offices etc.

Patience –

People with an out of control ego lack patience. They are always in a hurry and get upset, frustrated or even angry when things don't happen according to their schedule, expectations or agendas. I don't care if it's a traffic jam or someone is late for an appointment. If the waiter takes too long to bring the menu or someone doesn't respond to an email or phone call as quickly as you think they should. As a sidebar the biggest contributor to stress and therefore illness, broken relationships and even death is a lack of patience.

Validation –

The ego needs validation. It needs to be respected, appreciated, valued and often liked. There is no way that everyone you meet in life will like you and many people may not appreciate the things you do for them and demonstrate their appreciation. If you expect everyone in your life to value you, you are living in La La Land. When the ego doesn't get what it need or wants it will often get defensive or even angry. Many times these reactions are unnecessary given the circumstances and can often destroy a relationship.

I'm better, smarter etc. than you –

The ego thinks it is always the smartest person in the room regardless of the topic or nature of the conversation. I can't tell you how many times when I was in front of an audience that a person spouted off far too long trying to convince me or other members of the group that they knew it all. Knowledge is different than wisdom (as I have discussed in previous Boosters). Just because you think you know a lot doesn't mean you are wise or even intelligent. Yes, there are many smart people out there but my experience is that people with big egos need to be smart even about things they know nothing about.

Self-esteem –

Self-esteem is simply what and how you think about yourself. What you believe you are. The ego will tend to have an exaggerated view and opinion of itself therefore a rather phony high self-esteem. This level of self-esteem is not grounded in reality but pure fantasy and as a result it will often create circumstances where eventually the person will not be able to effectively hide this low self-esteem or a lack of emotional security.

 

Summary – any or all of these when a part of a person's behavior and/or out of control will impact their career, relationships, happiness and inner peace in a negative way. I am not suggesting any of these are good or bad, you can be the judge of that and how they are impacting the important areas of your life and their overall influence on you. But, I will say that when any or all of these are a major part of your personality and displayed consistently and overtly they will tend to contribute to higher stress, less life satisfaction and general displeasure.

"The man who fears suffering is already suffering
from what he fears."

De Montaigne

In His Service, Tim

Sorry, but the world doesn’t revolve around you!

March 20th, 2013 No comments

I’ll bet you know someone who believes the world revolves around them.  Maybe you are one of these special people.  But I have to tell you, that if one more person is trying to get into the trunk of my car while driving at seventy miles per hour I think I am going to scream.

I don’t care if it’s someone’s impatience when standing in line or waiting for a returned phone call.  Or, people who believe that when they text or email you, you should have your cell phone or laptop available at a moment’s notice and respond before you take your next breath – these people need to understand that other than them, we have a life.  Or, is it parents in a restaurant that let their kids create chaos all around them while they scream and yell and you are trying to have a romantic or business meal?

Know anyone like this?  Come on…. It seems that most people today feel that they should be the center of everyone else’s world. 

Maybe a customer feels they are your only customer and you should respond to their every request immediately or a supervisor who expects you to drop all of your routine tasks to immediately respond to a request of theirs regardless of its urgency. 

I could give you dozens more examples where people believe that they are the center of the world, but I’m sure you don’t need more examples as we all have to deal with these people sooner or later in a variety of settings.

Why do so many people work themselves into a twit when life doesn’t go the way they expect or according to their schedule and agenda?

Is it ego or arrogance?  Is it narcissism or selfishness?  Is it their stress level or insecurity? Or is it just their need to feel important in some way?

There’s a book here, but I won’t bore you with numerous causes or reasons for this behavior, but I will give you four causes that I believe are at the core of this behavior. But, before I do, consider – are certain mindsets, positions, professions, age groups or different cultural backgrounds a contributor?

Well – how about – politicians or wealthy people?  Or certain races, genders or age groups? I’m not suggesting everyone or anyone in these groups falls into one of the four categories listed below, but after travelling the world speaking and working with a variety of clients in numerous industries, I have come to believe that the following tend to be indicators of how someone will tend to approach life, relationships or careers from a position of – “control obsession” (just made that up).

Low self-esteem – Self-esteem is simply how you define yourself.  With low self-esteem we will tend to always belittle ourselves in some way especially in the presence of others.  Out conversation will tend to be self-demeaning and apologetic.  I’m sorry is one of our favorite phrases when we have a low self-esteem issue.  The opposite is just as bad as when your self-esteem is too high you will tend to approach life and others with conceited, haughty, arrogant, snooty or puffed up attitudes.  Either one – low or high self-esteem has its drawbacks and causes us to, in some way alienate others.

A lack of a patient mindset – A major cause of stress is impatience or the need for things to happen on our schedule and according to our agenda.  When they don’t well, you’ve seen how these people can behave whether in traffic, a meeting or a restaurant.  Patience is the ability to flow and accept life.  It doesn't mean you have a victim mentality, but that you understand that stuff happens, that you often can’t control.  The key is to learn to deal with what you can control and let go of the stuff you can’t

The need for validation – Many people suffer from a need for appreciation, acceptance or validation.  In order to receive these they will often make themselves the center of attention in some way.  Whether it’s the way they dress, talk, brag or just inject themselves into conversations or situations – their goal is to be noticed and sometimes appreciated regardless of their status, position, background or any other life or career circumstance.

Over the top ego – We all have an ego or the need to feel important, successful, smart or any other trait that sends the message to the world that we are better than others in some way.  This is normal behavior.  The problem arises when this need becomes the single or major focal point of our life and we can’t admit failure, mistakes, bad decisions or any other action that might make us look unimportant, unsuccessful or just not up to other’s standards or expectations.  When ego becomes the major life driver we will tend to create distance between ourselves and others and send the message that we are just better or smarter than the rest of the world.

So, what do you think?  Anyone you know that is a control freak fall into one of these four categories?  Do you?  I’ll leave it there for your consideration or evaluation.

If you have a problem with control, patience or any of the above or you know someone who does – let me recommend a really great book – The Power of Patience by PJ Ryan.

“Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing; it was here first.”

Mark Twain

Make it a great day, Tim

Selling and the four agreements

March 6th, 2013 No comments

Weekly TimBit – Selling and the four agreements

Before I get started, if you have never read the best-selling book, The Four Agreements by M. Ruiz, I urge you to buy it today and spend the next few days devouring his very wise counsel. To this day out of all of the books I have read this is still one of my favorites. So what do the four agreements have to do with selling? First the four agreements are;

-Be impeccable with your word.

-Make no assumptions.

-Take nothing personal.

-Always do your best.

Let's take a look at what these simple concepts (they may be simple but they can have a profound impact on the quality of your life) have to do with selling as a career.

-Be impeccable with your word. Essentially this agreement deals with the integrity of your word or what you say, how you say it and when you say it. When you lack this integrity you will tend to say what you feel is in the best interests of your ego or your need to succeed, look good to others or even be accepted by others. Selling is not about words but building and maintaining trust and when your words lack integrity or authenticity you will tend to send mixed and even wrong messages to others.

It is often difficult to always be impeccable with your word as we all have a variety of agendas, needs and desires we want satisfied or filled. But if you want to maintain relationships grounded in trust this agreement is at the foundation of all four.

-Make no assumptions. We all make assumptions. We make them to satisfy our own fears, needs, objectives or agendas. An assumption is nothing more than an expectation of what you feel will happen, is happening or happened from your own very personal and yes prejudiced perspectives.

When you make an assumption and you act accordingly you will set yourself up for frustration, disappointment and often regret and even failure.

When you assume your prospect likes your product or service because they said so and you don't follow-up with affirming questions you are making an assumption they are telling you the truth or the whole story. When you assume that someone is not interested in your product or service because they are difficult to get a hold of again you are assuming something that may be true but is not grounded in evidence but a guess on your part. If you assume a client is happy with their purchase because they don't tell you otherwise, this is a setup for disaster. Making assumptions in selling are a recipe for personal failure.

-Take nothing personal. We all have egos and we all have needs and expectations about how others should treat us, respond to us or communicate with us. It's common for someone to take a simple comment from another person in the wrong way or even be hurt by a comment that was not meant or given with a hurtful intention. We take things personal because we want, many people even crave, acceptance by others. As a result we tend to avoid people who we feel do not respect or honor us and our experience, knowledge or even our just being.

In sales taking things that others do, personally, will cause you to spend a great deal of personal time reflecting on your weaknesses, failures, problems or inadequacies. Everyone has a right to their own opinions but keep in mind just because they have them doesn't mean they are right or are a correct description of us. One of the major areas where this impacts salespeople is in the area of rejection. When you are rejected the general first response is to take it personal. This is a mistake. Yes, the person may be rejecting you but the point is, this rejection is coming from their frame of reference or their reality and not the reality. To take others actions or words personally is to give them power over you – who you are, what you believe, how you behave etc.  

-Always do your best. Doing your best is often a function of a variety of factors. If you are tired, stressed out, living in discouragement or are fearful of some situation – these mindset will influence your ability to do your best. If you feel insecure or you have low self-esteem you will tend to not do your best. If you have a need to please others more than please yourself – you will tend not to do your best. Doing your best doesn't mean perfection or even doing it right or according to someone's else's expectations, needs or agendas it means simply doing the best you can with what you have, know or believe. Doing your best today doesn't mean you won't do it better tomorrow and doing your best doesn't mean that what you do will please others but doing your best allows you to look in the mirror and smile and say to yourself – I did my best and mean it.

Doing your best in sales simply means that you always perform as well as you can regardless of how new you are to the profession, how much disappointment or previous failure you have experienced and always giving the best you can to every prospect and client.

Make it a great week and a tremendous year, In His service, Tim

12 words that can change your life

January 6th, 2013 No comments

Would you like 2013 to be one of your best years ever? I would ask you to consider the following simple yet powerful approach to creating permanent change and improvement in the area of your life you most desire.

Words can have a powerful influence on your life. We bring into our life what we focus and concentrate on so why not choose one of the following words and focus on it and LIVE it for 7 days as you go through a week. When you have completed all 12 words/actions begin the process again with the list and repeat this approach four times during the next twelve months. You will be amazed at how this simple exercise can impact your year for the better. I didn’t invent this simple technique; Ben Franklin did many years ago. My word choices are a bit different than his were at the time, but the process and outcome can be the same. The order in which you select your word each week is not important – what is – is that you let that word and all it implies have a positive and complete impact on your actions, attitudes, decisions and behavior during that week. Do this for 48 weeks and I will guarantee that 2013 will be one of your most productive, successful, happiest and peaceful years ever. By the way, I have given you a list of fifteen words to choose from – so just pick the twelve that most resonate with you.Try it, you have nothing to lose!

Passion– Passion isn’t about what you are doing, but who you are. Passion does not depend on experience, education, age, gender or any other external factor. It is an inner mindset that drives your actions, attitudes, beliefs, decisions and behavior. Without passion you are doomed to just pass through life one same day after another – with it you can achieve your dreams. Do not let others or circumstances determine your passion. Live it each day and watch as your desires and dreams become reality.

Faith– Faith is not just a spiritual belief, but a strong faith in yourself, your dreams, goals, ability and your future. Too often people or circumstances challenge our faith and we have a choice – give in to these outside influences or obstacles or maintain our faith in what we desire and are working toward and one day want to achieve or become. Faith is not always easy as circumstances can relentlessly challenge our ability to maintain our faith in the face of adversity or obstacles.

Wisdom– Wisdom is not intelligence. “Let your wisdom give you understanding”. We are constantly overwhelmed with information. Information is not power – wisdom is. Wisdom is knowing what to do and what not to do, when, why and why not, how and how not and for how long. Wisdom requires knowledge that is properly applied in the right way. Do not be misled. Information is not power – wisdom is and it will only come from learning, understanding and then application.

Effort– Nothing of any consequence was ever achieved without effort. In spite of what you may have heard – there is NO free lunch. On the surface it might sometimes appear that some people achieve their goals with little or no effort, but do not be deceived. Responsible effort is the common denominator for success and happiness – for the long term. The wrong effort will tend to give you the wrong results while the right effort will contribute to your walking into your future with achievement, success and satisfaction. Contrary to the popular beliefs of many there is only one way to achieve anything and that is with effort.

Hope– Every human wants to live with hope. Hope for something better, different or new. No one wants to live their life, especially when life throws them hurdles or curves without hope. It is in our DNA. No matter what is going on we want to live with hope. When we lose hope we lose life not only emotionally but often physically. Hope is simply believing that tomorrow will be better than today or yesterday in some way and it only requires that you hold on to it with every breath you take no matter how dire circumstances may appear.

Patience– A major cause of stress in life is a lack of patience. I want it now. I want it the way I want it and I refuse to accept anything less. Life works on its own schedule and timing and it often has no regard for your preferences, demands or expectations. Patience is the ability to accept life as it shows up. This does not mean you don’t try, work, plan and hope, but in the end the world functions on a simple cause and effect basis and there is often little we can do to control either the causes or the effects. What we can do is flow and not try and push the river as life adjusts, happens and appears from moment to moment.

Belief– What you believe – you will manifest. What you focus on you will tend to increase in your life. Having goals, affirmations and even action without belief is to fail to give yourself the potential for outcomes you say you desire. Belief is an imbedded strong conviction that fills your mind and heart with attitudes and intentions that will bring to pass what you believe whether negative or positive. It is like an alarm clock that keeps reminding you of how to think, what to feel and how to act. When your beliefs are noble, positive and consistent you will be amazed at what you can accomplish.

Optimism– It’s a medical fact that people who are optimistic and positive live longer and get sick less than people who are negative and pessimistic. Optimism isn’t about sticking your head in the sand and living in La La land where the glass is always half full. Both positive and negative people must deal with the same life challenges, adversity, failure and problems. The difference is focus. Optimists focus on finding a solution, alternative or a way around the obstacle while pessimists stay stuck in the problem. There is no guarantee that this year will not give you your share of challenges and problems, the question is how you choose to interpret them and then respond to them.

Gratitude– Have you ever considered that you get 80,000 heartbeats every day? I could go on with the many blessings each of us receives every minute of every day, but the question is – how often do you thank life and God for all of your special gifts? It’s been proven in the medical field that people who live with gratitude tend to have happier and healthier lives. Just stop every now and then every day and just say thank you.

Kindness– They are called random acts of kindness – to a friend, a co-worker, family member or even a total stranger. Showing kindness to others will tend to keep you out of self-absorption and focused on being of value or service to others. You never know – from where or when your acts of kindness will be returned. But fail to give them and I’ll wager that you will receive very few of them in return.

Now– Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow is not guaranteed for everyone. All you have is this moment as you are reading this short article. In five minutes whatever happened will be history. Let me repeat – thirty seconds ago is gone with all its pain, uncertainty and opportunity. The single best thing you can do to achieve success, happiness and inner peace is to learn to embrace each moment as it happens. Leaving behind yesterday with all its regrets, disappointments, achievements and memories. If you can learn to live each moment as it is given to you, you will discover the true value of life.

Courage– I’m not talking here about the courage to jump out of airplanes or take physical risks, but the willingness to address each of life’s challenges as they show up in life with the ability to take them head on and not hide from them hoping they will solve themselves or suddenly disappear. Courage is the ability to confront your fears and uncertainties with resolve and bravery. Hoping they will solve themselves is to live in denial and often defiance. The value in facing your fears is that with time you will learn to prevent them rather than having to overcome them.

Appreciation– The single best way to keep your mind out of its natural tendency to come at issues and uncertainties from a fear perspective is to learn to stay in a mindset of appreciation. Your mind has only two options when it comes to emotions – fear and love. All emotions are offshoots of these so to prevent or control – anger, jealousy, resentment, hate and so many others and their ability to rule your life is to learn to come at everything with the feeling or attitude of appreciation. Try it – for one week – learn to pay attention to everything in your life and I mean everything that crosses your path and just keep saying thank you. You will be amazed.

Compassion– No one in life escapes loss, grief or pain. Sooner or later we must all face the inevitable consequences of life. Death happens, illness happens, economic or natural crises hit many of us. And, disappointment is a routine part of life. I will guarantee that someone will cross your path today that needs compassion from you or others they encounter. Compassion is not sympathy but demonstrating understanding and a listening ear. Compassion is simply caring about others regardless of their relationship to you or their status in life. Ever needed or wanted compassion from others? If not, you are most likely living in denial.

Confidence– I’m not talking here about ego domination or conceit, but having belief and many of the topics above as a natural part of your mindsets or life philosophy. False confidence will show itself for what it is sooner or later – insecurity. We all have moments when we lose or lack self-confidence and these are normal depending on our circumstances or situations. The ability to maintain a healthy self-esteem will contribute greatly to your self-confidence as you confront unknowns, uncertainty and unfamiliar territory in life.

That’s it. I encourage you to follow the instructions at the beginning of this article for the next twelve months. If you do, at the end of 2013 as you look back on the previous year you will smile and say to yourself – what a great year this has been. Make it a great one. It’s in your hands!

Make it a great week, In His Service, Tim

Selling and the four agreements

September 19th, 2012 No comments

Before I get started, if you have never read the best-selling book, The Four Agreements by M. Ruiz, I urge you to buy it today and spend the next few days devouring his very wise counsel. To this day out of all of the books I have read this is still one of my favorites. So what do the four agreements have to do with selling? First the four agreements are;

-Be impeccable with your word.

-Make no assumptions.

-Take nothing personal.

-Always do your best.

Let's take a look at what these simple concepts (they may be simple but they can have a profound impact on the quality of your life) have to do with selling as a career.

-Be impeccable with your word. Essentially this agreement deals with the integrity of your word or what you say, how you say it and when you say it. When you lack this integrity you will tend to say what you feel is in the best interests of your ego or your need to succeed, look good to others or even be accepted by others. Selling is not about words but building and maintaining trust and when your words lack integrity or authenticity you will tend to send mixed and even wrong messages to others.

It is often difficult to always be impeccable with your word as we all have a variety of agendas, needs and desires we want satisfied or filled. But if you want to maintain relationships grounded in trust this agreement is at the foundation of all four.

-Make no assumptions. We all make assumptions. We make them to satisfy our own fears, needs, objectives or agendas. An assumption is nothing more than an expectation of what you feel will happen, is happening or happened from your own very personal and yes prejudiced perspectives.

When you make an assumption and you act accordingly you will set yourself up for frustration, disappointment and often regret and even failure.

When you assume your prospect likes your product or service because they said so and you don't follow-up with affirming questions you are making an assumption they are telling you the truth or the whole story. When you assume that someone is not interested in your product or service because they are difficult to get a hold of again you are assuming something that may be true but is not grounded in evidence but a guess on your part. If you assume a client is happy with their purchase because they don't tell you otherwise, this is a setup for disaster. Making assumptions in selling are a recipe for personal failure.

-Take nothing personal. We all have egos and we all have needs and expectations about how others should treat us, respond to us or communicate with us. It's common for someone to take a simple comment from another person in the wrong way or even be hurt by a comment that was not meant or given with a hurtful intention. We take things personal because we want, many people even crave, acceptance by others. As a result we tend to avoid people who we feel do not respect or honor us and our experience, knowledge or even our just being.

In sales taking things that others do, personally, will cause you to spend a great deal of personal time reflecting on your weaknesses, failures, problems or inadequacies. Everyone has a right to their own opinions but keep in mind just because they have them doesn't mean they are right or are a correct description of us. One of the major areas where this impacts salespeople is in the area of rejection. When you are rejected the general first response is to take it personal. This is a mistake. Yes, the person may be rejecting you but the point is, this rejection is coming from their frame of reference or their reality and not the reality. To take others actions or words personally is to give them power over you – who you are, what you believe, how you behave etc.  

-Always do your best. Doing your best is often a function of a variety of factors. If you are tired, stressed out, living in discouragement or are fearful of some situation – these mindset will influence your ability to do your best. If you feel insecure or you have low self-esteem you will tend to not do your best. If you have a need to please others more than please yourself – you will tend not to do your best. Doing your best doesn't mean perfection or even doing it right or according to someone's else's expectations, needs or agendas it means simply doing the best you can with what you have, know or believe. Doing your best today doesn't mean you won't do it better tomorrow and doing your best doesn't mean that what you do will please others but doing your best allows you to look in the mirror and smile and say to yourself – I did my best and mean it.

Doing your best in sales simply means that you always perform as well as you can regardless of how new you are to the profession, how much disappointment or previous failure you have experienced and always giving the best you can to every prospect and client.

Read the book.

Make it a great week and a tremendous year, 
In His service, 
Tim

Success and failure are nothing but mindsets

July 11th, 2012 No comments

Weekly TimBit –   Success and failure are nothing but mindsets –

The outcomes of failure = frustration, discouragement, negative emotions, loss of courage, lower self-esteem, uncertainty and a loss of optimism. More of these – certainly. And the outcomes of success = encouragement, feelings of control, happiness, well being, passion, faith, desire and risk taking.

So what's the real difference?

Both are outcomes based on previous decisions, actions, behaviors, thoughts and mindsets. Both are neutral when it comes to their consequences – their role is not to punish, get even, reward or accommodate – they are neutral circumstances which gives each of us the choice of how we react to them and respond.

So, are there any commonalities in both? Yes on the one hand – one seems to be negative while the other positive, but in the end the responses are the result of perceptions, attitudes and mindsets.

If you have a failure mindset don't be surprised when you fail and if your mindsets are positive don't be surprised when you succeed. Your mindsets control every element of your life including these two vital issues.

A mindset – a set of beliefs or a way of thinking that determine somebody's behavior and outlook. It's this simple but the real questions are – why do we allow negative mindsets to rule our lives and where did they come from. Let's start with the second question first, where do they come from?

There have been thousands of books written in the past that all explain the contributors to attitudes and beliefs. Simply put – as we live our lives day to day from the very first day of our life – we are programmed by our environment with its prejudices, beliefs, shoulds, should not's, how too's, when too's etc. As a result of this programming from the world (parents, teachers, friends, relatives, bosses, churches etc) we have formed an inner picture of ourselves and who we are and what we believe. If your mind was filled with negatives during your years and you responded to them with withdrawal, aggression, acceptance and so on, your mind is fertile ground for more of the same. But more than this, your mind now accepts even attracts more of the same with ease, comfort and justification.

You simply reinforce the negative programming you received with daily reinforcing thoughts and behaviors.

The opposite of all this is also true.

None of us when we were children could control the programming we received but we can choose later in life to re-examine this programming and its impact on our present life. Unfortunately this takes a great deal of courage, contemplation, time and inner integrity which unfortunately most people lack – one or all of these – so the game continues even though we don't like or are unhappy with the outcomes.

Why do we allow these mental habits that are not in our best interests now or in the future to rule our lives? I could go on for pages – the simple answer is that it's easier to do this in spite of all of the drama, pain, discouragement and stress than go through the trouble of changing.

Success is a mindset. If you have it – nurture it, observe it in action and stay on this positive path and don't let others – that's anyone or anything folks that would try and derail you – steer you in another direction.

Failure is a mindset. If you have it -ask yourself a simple question – what would be more painful for the rest of my life – staying with this approach that that just isn't working or dealing with it, facing it, overcoming it and taking charge once and for all the quality of your life and stop turning it over to the government, the economy, your spouse or any other external factor.

Make it a tremendous year,
Tim Connor
Business Development
MHProNews.com
MHMSM.com
And the new MHLivingNews.com
704-895-1230

tim@mhmsm.com

What’s Really Important in Life

June 20th, 2012 No comments
 Weekly TimBit – Life's vital ingredients

Think about it – what's really important in life to feel content, peaceful, fulfilled, happy and valued?

I believe there are just seven vital things everyone needs and wants to achieve the above. Yes there are many others and I'm sure some of you would expand on my list but I ask you to consider for just a moment how important these are for you. And these are not in any special order;

Love
Happiness
Fun
Freedom
Relationships
Achievements
Acceptance

I'm confident many of you would include; money, success, a career or satisfying work, health, pleasure and oh so many more and wonder why I didn't include them, but when you are on your deathbed what do you think will really matter to you? Let's take a brief look at these seven.

Love

Survey after survey indicates that the number one thing people want in life is to feel love and or to be able to share love with someone special or others. Happiness is always near the top but consider – generally how happy are you when you are alone and feel disconnected? I'm not referring here to romantic love, but it is or can be included in this need. Why is love so important to each of us whether it's family or friends? Quite simple really – when we truly feel loved unconditionally we feel complete, whole and valued. When we show or express our love to others this also gives us many of the same feelings or benefits.

Happiness

Everyone wants to be happy; the problem is everyone defines happiness uniquely depending on the various aspects of their life. To some – happiness is financial freedom and to others it's being in love. Some people feel happy when they are having fun while others are happiest when they are accepted by others. Many people define happiness as just being free to control their life and its circumstances.
And many people feel extreme happiness when they are doing good, achieving or are successful. Note that happiness for most people always depends on something
else? True happiness is nothing external, but when it is enduring and not a short term feeling, it must be from internal; values, beliefs, self-acceptance, self-love and self-respect.

Fun

Fun and pleasure are two different things. Fun is when you can laugh, play, and enjoy whatever you are doing. Yes, work can be fun. Gardening can be fun and even washing the car can be fun. The problem is most people define fun as when they are doing something that is generally defined as – fun. Watching your favorite team on television, dancing the night away, being on vacation etc. Here's the problem – Many people do not have enough fun on vacation for any number of reasons. Many people watching their favorite team lose isn't fun and dancing the night away with your significant other when he or she would rather be doing something else most likely won't be fun. Get my drift? Fun isn't want you are doing it's the mindset you bring to what you are doing.

Freedom

In America we enjoy the freedoms that were given to us by our founders and the sacrifices of many people since then. The problem is that the bigger government becomes – more and more of our simple freedoms seem to be being taken from us. This is not meant to be a criticism of any individual or group but on each of us for allowing this trend to continue. Freedom is simply the right to choose. What we eat, where we live, what we do and how we behave as long as our decisions and actions do not have a negative impact on others. Freedom is vital for happiness – yes the freedom to succeed and the freedom to fail. The freedom to destroy ourselves with bad behaviors and the freedom to treat our mind, body and spirit with respect and love.

Relationships

Each of us has a variety of relationships with family, friends, customers, neighbor's even total strangers that cross our path briefly. Each relationship is unique and defined by the mutual feelings of both people. When I speak in front of an audience of 500 people I have a unique relationship with each of them – some I get to know – others just introduce themselves to me when I am finished speaking. You have many relationships with many different people. Yes some of them are more important, needed and more fulfilling than others but without these relationships consider what your life would be like?

Achievements

Achievements whatever they are from – building a work shed in your back yard to becoming famous by developing your talent and desires. Achievement is simply doing something that makes us feel good about ourselves. Achievements whether raising good children or volunteering at the local soup kitchen can be considered acts of services for others. The shed in your yard is seen as valuable by your spouse. Volunteering makes you feel valuable to those less fortunate. But in the end any achievement is not about fame, wealth, success or power but in the service of others.

Acceptance

Acceptance of others – for many – equals the ability to accept themselves first. When other's acceptance is needed or sought after – is usually due to your lack of inner security, low self-esteem or negative mindsets. Before other's acceptance of you will have any true meaning, you must first learn to accept yourself for who you were, are and are becoming. This is not an easy task for many people due to their early negative conditioning and upbringing. It can take years to confront and overcome many of the emotional wounds that were inflicted on us by caregivers, teachers, religious leaders etc. So search we do for others to accept us for our flaws, failures and often dysfunctional personality.

Make it a tremendous year,
Tim Connor
Business Development
MHProNews.com
MHMSM.com
And the new MHLivingNews.com
704-895-1230

tim@mhmsm.com

Four ingredients for sales success

June 24th, 2011 No comments

Weekly Sales Tip

There are four significant areas when it comes to consistent high sales performance. They are:

Self-image and self-esteem.

All sales success is the result of a foundation grounded in right attitudes and positive self-esteem and/or self-image. If a salesperson has all of the skill competency and yet lacks the right attitudes, sooner or later they will sabotage their results and performance due to a lack of self-control and discipline. An example is price resistance.

When a salesperson with low self-esteem gets price objections or resistance their first reaction is to lower price due to a need for validation, approval or acceptance. A salesperson with high self-esteem will go back to selling value. Show me who is consistently getting the highest margins and I’ll show you a salesperson with high self-esteem and vice versa. Self–image is the result of a number of factors including but not limited to – self-belief, self-trust, knowledge, wisdom, insight, self-understanding and a willingness to grow.

Self-discipline, attitude control and commitment.

One of the critical issues for continued sales success is the level of a person’s self-discipline and personal commitment to positive results. Over the years I have discovered that people who lack consistency in their performance tend to fall down in these two areas. Self-discipline is the willingness; to do what is necessary not what is comfortable and to do it regardless of inside (the organization) or outside (the market place, economy or competitors) positive or negative influences or factors. Knowing what to do and how to do it is not enough for long-term sales success.

A person must know why they are doing it and what inside factors may stand in their way – such as old baggage, expectations, personal agendas, fears and needs. Commitment is a function of life purpose, goals and a success strategy. Most people lack this clear vision for the rest of their life in both their career and life in general. They just show up, do what is required and move on. Real winners in life connect today’s performance with tomorrow’s lifestyle.

Goals and personal philosophy.

A person’s goals drive their actions, attitudes, behaviors and ultimate life outcomes. People who lack a clear understanding of what they want, why they want it and how to get it as well as the plans, methodology and willingness to move forward relentlessly regardless of setbacks and disappointments are doomed to a life filled with frustration, high stress, anxiety and failure. There are many philosophies and approaches to the goal process. None are right or wrong. What matters is that the person uses one that works for them. It is a matter of asking oneself regularly: what am I doing (in my life, career, business, relationships, financially) that is working, what am I doing that isn’t working and what did I used to do that used to work that I have stopped doing. And, what am I going to do about it and when?

Goalsetting is more than just setting goals. It is using the goal process to achieve balance, success, lifestyle and personal satisfaction. Life philosophy is just that. It is what you believe in, feel passionate about and are willing to do regardless of whatever life throws in your path. It is like a personal mission statement. It drives your every decision, action and attitude.

Sales skills.

Selling is the ability to influence and persuade – to communicate and relate the benefits and attributes of your product or service to your prospects and customers. This area encompasses a whole host of skills such as:

  • The ability and courage to ask the right questions.
  • Spending time with decision makers.
  • A strategy of managing your prospect and customer base effectively.
  • The ability and willingness to listen.
  • A methodology for disarming obstacles before they sabotage the sale.
  • The courage and ability to ask for the business.
  • Creating win-win customer relationships and loyalty.
  • There is lots more. Read one of my best selling sales books on how to master these skills.

When you put all of these together you will have a winning combination for sustained sales success. Yes, there are many more attributes and skills, but I’ll bet most of them will fall somewhere within the definition of these four. How are you doing?

What’s your reaction to conflict?

August 30th, 2010 No comments

Words of wisdom for this week

“Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent.”
~ Eleanor Roosevelt

Show me two people in a relationship who don’t have conflict from time to time and I will show you a couple who:

  • are passive aggressive
  • spend very little time together
  • have hidden agendas and are unable or unwilling to share them.
  • no longer care, are in apathy
  • are insecure
  • were raised to believe that conflict is negative

Conflict is not a function of whether your relationship is new (you are still on your honeymoon) or has lasted for years.

Conflict can be a positive tool for building and strengthening a relationship or it can destroy one in pretty quick order, Then of course there are those relationships that hover in the middle in no-mans land. People who – are afraid of the conflict, avoid the conflict, run from the conflict. But, these people also live in a constant state of frustration, anger, disappointment, unhappiness, uncertainty and even fear.

Conflict is not good or bad, positive or negative. It is two different ways of looking at the same issue, subject or circumstance. What determines whether the outcome of any conflict is healthy or unhealthy is not what caused the conflict, but both people’s reaction or response to the conflict itself.

Let’s say you and your partner disagree on how to discipline one of your kids. One person wants to punish them the other to help them use the mistake as an opportunity to learn and grow. Your reaction can vary from: You disagree or you just listen and don’t talk. You argue and defend your position or you are willing to see the other point of view as valid. You fight raising your voice(s) getting nowhere..
You stomp away or start crying or, yelling or whatever your typical reaction to conflict is. A negative response can be a trigger for increased conflict or a positive response can contribute to the gradual movement away from confrontation and toward resolution.

Your reaction to any confrontation or situation, either positive, neutral or negative, that has the potential for disagreement or conflict is usually due to one or more of the following contributors.

  • Your ego(s) and your need to manipulate or control.
  • Your perceptual filter(s) and that fact that you both see things differently.
  • Your level of self-confidence.
  • Your self-esteem.
  • Your need for approval or validation.
  • The history of your relationship and its approach to conflict.
  • Your ability to have your emotional buttons pushed easily.
  • What is really going on inside one or both of you in terms of the quality of the relationship.

So, what can you do the next time you and your partner find yourselves in a heated disagreement? Here are a few things to consider.

  1. See the conflict as your partner reaching out to you for understanding, support, validation or compassion.
  2. See past the anger and see it not as anger directed at you but the expression of their inner fear about some issue or circumstance.
  3. See past their words and look into their heart for the cause of their pain.
  4. Recognize that regardless of the subject, it is not about someone being right or wrong, but about the willingness to learn and grow.
  5. Inject a Quality Pause in between their comments and your reaction. During the quality pause you quietly say to yourself, “I have a choice on how I react. Then respond accordingly. This quality pause takes you out of ‘auto-pilot’ and into the present moment.
  6. Develop a psychological anchor to stay calm and loving no matter what is being said or how it is being said. This anchor can be a thought, phrase or action you take that keeps you in control of you. This anchor could be anything from picturing the last time you were on vacation together and having a wonderful time to a simple phrase or mantra – ‘I am in control of my emotions. I am in control of my reactions. I am in control of my feelings.’ Anything that keeps you centered and in control.

The key is to learn to use conflict as a personal growth tool for yourself and your relationship. Not always an easy task when someone is berating you or screaming, and swearing at you at the top of the Richter scale, but the question is:

Do you want to keep control of your emotions and reactions or do you want to give that up to someone else?