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Posts Tagged ‘love’

Why me . . . Why now?

August 21st, 2013 No comments

Why me . . . why now . . . Why is it that people only tend to say this when things go bad? Ever heard anyone say "why me or why now" when life was going great? I haven't. Have you?

Life happens. No one can predict what lies around the next bend in the road but we can do now what we can to learn, grow and prepare ourselves for both opportunities and challenges in the future. I would like to focus on both and not just the negatives when people say – why me. . . why now!

Let's take a brief look at just a few of the areas that contribute to today's challenges and opportunities and why they are showing up in your life now and how you react to them or can change how you react to them.

Your history –

Every choice and decision has a consequence. Some are negative and some are positive, some happen short term while others can take months or years to manifest. The history of your choices, decisions and actions could be a major factor in what is in your life now. Maybe it took years for these to mature or maybe a simple action yesterday contributed to today's circumstances but it doesn't matter – you can't escape the consequences of previous decisions and actions. Their results will show up sooner or later- like it or not. Think for a moment – how has your history contributed to what is going on in your life now? What previous decisions or actions have had an impact on today's events? Did you see them coming? Did you make some poor choices in the past that have contributed to them? Did you adequately prepare yourself for what is showing up now? Keep going ask yourself some other introspective questions.

Your attitudes –

There are a variety of attitudes you can have when it comes to adversity, problems or challenges. You can choose to see yourself as a victim and not responsible for your circumstances. You can see adversity as a necessary step for personal growth. You can feel you don't deserve the opportunities that have crossed your path. Or you can stay stuck in the middle not sure how you feel or what you can or should do. In the end your attitudes will tend to be a major driver in how you handle both negative and positive circumstances.

 

Your experience –

Experience can be a great teacher but it can also cause us to default back to previous responses to similar situations. The difference in your approach – to look at a circumstance with fresh eyes or clouded by events of the past will depend entirely on your ability to stay focused in the present, bring emotional maturity to the challenge and leave old emotional baggage in the past. None of these will happen automatically and are not always easy given our human nature however if we want to learn from what is happening we must be willing to try and keep trying. A victim mentality never contributes to effectively handling problems, failure or challenges.

Your mindsets –

In many of my articles and books I discuss the concept of mindsets. Let me just say here that they are the primary motivator of all actions, choices, decisions and behavior. If your life is not as you would like in any way or for any reason I would urge you to spend whatever time necessary examining your; mindsets and their origin, power and influence over your thoughts, attitudes and ultimate consequences. A mindset is simply a consistent way of thinking about something whether positive or negative, good or bad or driven by love or fear.

Your expectations –

The number one cause of all disappointment is unrealized expectations. An expectation is a desire, need, want, goal or a way of looking at a person or experience. Fail to manage your expectations in a mature and realistic way and you will always set yourself up for frustration, stress, anxiety and disappointment. The key to managing expectations is to simply let go of what you can't control. I know this is not an easy task but it is necessary if you want to eliminate disappointment from your life.

Your spiritual development –

I will admit that for the past two years I have been on an accelerated spiritual journey – reading, praying, thinking, meditating and just listening for God's guidance. Sometimes it comes and sometimes it doesn't, well from my human perspective it doesn't but that's not to say that He isn't trying to get my attention in some way, through some circumstance or some person.

We are human, we are stubborn and we all want to have a peaceful and happy life without drama, tribulations or troubles of some kind but that's not real life. Real life has its share of failure and disappointment and triumph and victory. We all need to grasp that even in trouble there can be victory and that in victory there can always be trouble.

I have been fond of saying for years that, "God never gives you anything you can't handle." Well I have been wrong, He always gives us stuff we can't handle but he never gives us stuff He can't handle. The secret is letting go and trusting Him that all is working out in this life for His purpose. Some of you may not be there yet. Some of you may be far beyond my learning but regardless of where you are the fact remains that sooner or later we will need to learn to surrender.

"You cannot run away from a weakness; you must sometimes fight it out or perish. And if that be so, why not now,
and where you stand?"

Robert Louis Stevenson

In His service,
Tim Connor

Take the 30 Day Challenge

August 2nd, 2013 No comments

Let me ask you – if you were told today you had only 30 days to live – would you do anything different or would you just spend your last 30 days in the same routines, attitudes and life approaches that you have followed for the past several years?

My guess is that your answer would be no – you would change something;

– you would worry less

– you would spend more time with loved ones

– you would stop putting off some activity

– you would re-connect with people from your past

I could go on for pages with these examples, but I am sure this simple question has made you think.  So why not take the 30 day challenge.  What exactly is this and how should you proceed starting today?

I’m not trying to be morbid here just asking you to think about how you live each day with its thoughts, expectations, concerns, fears, hopes, dreams and every other conceivable mindset or behavior.  The 30 day challenge is a simple process – just pretend for the next 30 days that on the 30th day it will all end.

We are all going to die – we just are not privy to when, where or how – that remains a mystery for each of us but, we can all live while we are alive.  One of my favorite quotes is by my mentor Og Mandino.  He said, “Live like you are going to die today and work like you would live forever.”

Death is seen by many as an ending and others as a beginning.  I have my personal thoughts on this topic but I won’t belabor it in this article.  However, death is an ending of our physical life i.e. our body.  So the question remains – since you are going to die and you don’t know when, are you really living each moment and each day with – passion, enthusiasm, faith, hope, love and gratitude? If you could reflect on your last day – whenever that is – on how you lived your life, what you accomplished, who you served and how, who you loved and how and why, what would you want your answers to be?  This is the 30 day challenge.

Create a list of; things you want to do, things you want to see, things you want to accomplish, what really matters most to you, who really matters to you and the legacy you want to leave behind and begin. Add as many items to this list as you want that are all important to you. Now, live each day with these as your benchmarks, goals, beliefs and actions etc. At the end of each day reflect on your success, actions and results and take notes in a 30 day challenge journal of each day’s progress on how you did keeping in mind that as each day passes you have one less day in front of you to achieve your desired outcomes.

If you will seriously take this 30 day challenge I will guarantee you that at the end of the 30 days you will be a better person in some way.  Now the trick is to continue to live all of your remaining days keeping these objectives in mind as each day passes.

"To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the
affection of children…to leave the world a better place…to know even one life has
breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded."

Ralph Waldo Emerson

In His Service, Tim

Leadership is NOT a title or position BUT . . .

February 13th, 2013 No comments

According to a number of sources there are over 350 definitions of leadership.  Before I begin – I want to make it clear that leadership is not a position but a mindset.  The receptionist can have a leadership mindset about his or her roles and responsibilities or they can just wait to be told what to do and when and how.  The president can have a leadership mindset or stay in a reactionary mode waiting for things to change or get better.  Leadership is about leading not waiting.  Yes, leadership can have management responsibilities, but real leadership is about a personal vision to excel regardless of roles or responsibilities. Here are a few things to consider when it comes to leading as a function of your position – whatever it is;

Purpose – The purpose of any organization is to serve others.  Yes, if it’s a corporation or business it needs to be profitable, but if in the end it doesn’t effectively serve its members, customers or partners it will eventually fail.  The purpose of every employee is to; in some way contribute to this ultimate and higher purpose.  If employees put the agendas or motives of their department or themselves above this higher purpose they are doing the organization and the people or organizations it serves a disservice.

Responsibility – You are responsible to people not for them. This simple concept applies to all relationships – customers, employees, friends and family.  Essentially it means that you are responsible to offer or give – kindness, understanding, compassion, love, friendship, support, direction, guidance etc., however you are not responsible for what people do, how they react or their decisions or behavior.  In a leadership role, again regardless of your position or title, you are responsible for bringing your opinions, suggestions, guidance etc. to the other person, but it is their responsibility to either use or accept these or not.  You are not responsible for the actions, behaviors or attitudes of others or the consequences of these.

Cooperation – A cooperative mindset does not mean that you should forfeit your values, beliefs or philosophy, keeping in mind that yours are not better or worse than someone else’s (they are just different) just to create an environment of cooperation, however it does imply that you are willing and open to change or the acceptance of new or different ideas or approaches.  Conflict generally occurs when people are stuck in their views or opinions with the irrational belief that they are right and others are wrong. 

Connection – Humanity is about relationships.  I have previously written about the pitfalls of overuse of technology in other Boosters so I won’t belabor that point again.  But, keep in mind that when a human connection is not established and maintained that is grounded in mutual goals, desires, needs and understanding eventually they will fail to meet the expectations of one or all of the participants leading to conflict, disappointment and often failure. When employees in an organization fail to maintain positive connections with the people they work closely with or even people that they are only involved with periodically results will tend to suffer.

Vision – Life is about vision – for oneself, a relationship, a higher purpose or an organization.  If people fail to see beyond their present challenges, circumstances, successes or even failures they will tend to remain stuck in mindsets that will limit what can me manifested and developed in the future.  The role of every employee is to bring vision to their roles and responsibilities from the Janitor to the CEO.

Compassion – No one is immune in life to troubles, adversity, challenges or failure.  Sooner or later we must all face the realities of life with all its successes, achievements and yes disappointments and frustrations.  Whether you are the President or the Mail Clerk you have or will have to deal with different circumstances that you don’t like or even wish would not enter your life.  What everyone needs during times of adversity or challenge is a caring attitude from others whether people they work with side by side every day or only interact with from time to time.  I’m not suggesting that we should all air our dirty linen and personal situations with others, but from time to time just a listening ear would go a long way when someone is in pain or struggle.

Integrity – Words are words and actions are actions.  The question in every relationship is always “Can I trust your words?”  One of the major issues when it comes to integrity, regardless of the relationship is trust and truth.  If either or both are missing in any relationship sooner or later someone is going to be set up.  If employees for whatever reason are unable or unwilling to always come from a position of truth and/or trust (not necessarily their opinion or interpretation of an event or circumstance) sooner or later an employee, customer or member will be misled, disappointed or at a minimum frustrated. It is the responsibility of every employee to always come from a position of truth no matter how it might be perceived or heard from people either higher or lower on the food chain.

Communication – Communication is the common denominator that connects all humans regardless of their connections, length or the purpose or parameters of their relationship.  Communication is not about sharing information, but in sharing understanding.  When we believe that effective communication is when you have given all of the facts or details that another person needs, we are kidding ourselves when it comes to the purpose of real communication. Communication is a complicated issue when it comes to human behavior as there are so many factors that contribute to the integrity of shared messages or information, but in the end it is a two way process.  If only one person in an exchange ‘gets it’ then communication has not taken place.

Yes, there are many others, but if you practice these in a timely, effective, consistent and appropriate way, you will be amazed at the results you can achieve when it comes to the relationship between you and your roles and your relationships with others.

If your organization is dealing with current or future potential leadership challenges, give me a call and we can discuss how I can tailor a presentation that will help you address these in a proactive and effective way.

''Do not wait for leaders, do it alone, person by person.''

Mother Teresa

What’s Really Important in Life

June 20th, 2012 No comments
 Weekly TimBit – Life's vital ingredients

Think about it – what's really important in life to feel content, peaceful, fulfilled, happy and valued?

I believe there are just seven vital things everyone needs and wants to achieve the above. Yes there are many others and I'm sure some of you would expand on my list but I ask you to consider for just a moment how important these are for you. And these are not in any special order;

Love
Happiness
Fun
Freedom
Relationships
Achievements
Acceptance

I'm confident many of you would include; money, success, a career or satisfying work, health, pleasure and oh so many more and wonder why I didn't include them, but when you are on your deathbed what do you think will really matter to you? Let's take a brief look at these seven.

Love

Survey after survey indicates that the number one thing people want in life is to feel love and or to be able to share love with someone special or others. Happiness is always near the top but consider – generally how happy are you when you are alone and feel disconnected? I'm not referring here to romantic love, but it is or can be included in this need. Why is love so important to each of us whether it's family or friends? Quite simple really – when we truly feel loved unconditionally we feel complete, whole and valued. When we show or express our love to others this also gives us many of the same feelings or benefits.

Happiness

Everyone wants to be happy; the problem is everyone defines happiness uniquely depending on the various aspects of their life. To some – happiness is financial freedom and to others it's being in love. Some people feel happy when they are having fun while others are happiest when they are accepted by others. Many people define happiness as just being free to control their life and its circumstances.
And many people feel extreme happiness when they are doing good, achieving or are successful. Note that happiness for most people always depends on something
else? True happiness is nothing external, but when it is enduring and not a short term feeling, it must be from internal; values, beliefs, self-acceptance, self-love and self-respect.

Fun

Fun and pleasure are two different things. Fun is when you can laugh, play, and enjoy whatever you are doing. Yes, work can be fun. Gardening can be fun and even washing the car can be fun. The problem is most people define fun as when they are doing something that is generally defined as – fun. Watching your favorite team on television, dancing the night away, being on vacation etc. Here's the problem – Many people do not have enough fun on vacation for any number of reasons. Many people watching their favorite team lose isn't fun and dancing the night away with your significant other when he or she would rather be doing something else most likely won't be fun. Get my drift? Fun isn't want you are doing it's the mindset you bring to what you are doing.

Freedom

In America we enjoy the freedoms that were given to us by our founders and the sacrifices of many people since then. The problem is that the bigger government becomes – more and more of our simple freedoms seem to be being taken from us. This is not meant to be a criticism of any individual or group but on each of us for allowing this trend to continue. Freedom is simply the right to choose. What we eat, where we live, what we do and how we behave as long as our decisions and actions do not have a negative impact on others. Freedom is vital for happiness – yes the freedom to succeed and the freedom to fail. The freedom to destroy ourselves with bad behaviors and the freedom to treat our mind, body and spirit with respect and love.

Relationships

Each of us has a variety of relationships with family, friends, customers, neighbor's even total strangers that cross our path briefly. Each relationship is unique and defined by the mutual feelings of both people. When I speak in front of an audience of 500 people I have a unique relationship with each of them – some I get to know – others just introduce themselves to me when I am finished speaking. You have many relationships with many different people. Yes some of them are more important, needed and more fulfilling than others but without these relationships consider what your life would be like?

Achievements

Achievements whatever they are from – building a work shed in your back yard to becoming famous by developing your talent and desires. Achievement is simply doing something that makes us feel good about ourselves. Achievements whether raising good children or volunteering at the local soup kitchen can be considered acts of services for others. The shed in your yard is seen as valuable by your spouse. Volunteering makes you feel valuable to those less fortunate. But in the end any achievement is not about fame, wealth, success or power but in the service of others.

Acceptance

Acceptance of others – for many – equals the ability to accept themselves first. When other's acceptance is needed or sought after – is usually due to your lack of inner security, low self-esteem or negative mindsets. Before other's acceptance of you will have any true meaning, you must first learn to accept yourself for who you were, are and are becoming. This is not an easy task for many people due to their early negative conditioning and upbringing. It can take years to confront and overcome many of the emotional wounds that were inflicted on us by caregivers, teachers, religious leaders etc. So search we do for others to accept us for our flaws, failures and often dysfunctional personality.

Make it a tremendous year,
Tim Connor
Business Development
MHProNews.com
MHMSM.com
And the new MHLivingNews.com
704-895-1230

tim@mhmsm.com

Is anger healthy or destructive or both?

May 2nd, 2011 No comments

“The flocks fear the wolf, the crops the storm and the trees the wind.”

~Virgil

There are only two basic emotions – fear and love. All other emotions are degrees of these two. Let’s look at anger as an emotion that has its roots in fear.

Anger is an emotion that people express when they are: upset, frustrated, uncertain, anxious, hurt by another person or life in general or often just confused. Many people when expressing anger are really covering the deeper emotion of fear. In a relationship, when a person is angry, we have a choice of relating to their expressed emotion of anger or we can look behind the anger and attempt to discover what the person is afraid of that is being expressed as angry behavior. Most people find it difficult to see past the anger because it is so charged with negative words, feelings, emotions or actions.

Another way to look at anger is to see either its destructive quality in relationships and life or see its positives. Let’s take a brief look at both.

Anger can be an excellent way to eliminate stress, get hidden agendas out in the open, vent feelings of discouragement, pain, grief or just old-fashioned frustration. Suppressed negative feelings or anger can have both short and long term negative effects on a person’s emotional, as well as physical health. Most stress is related to withholding a variety of negative emotions. People often believe that they will avoid hurting the other person or avoid conflict by keeping these negative feelings beneath the surface. Over the long haul however, they can contribute to any number of emotional or physical ailments. Women are better at expressing anger than men. Women live, on the average, 10 years longer than men. I wonder if there is a relationship between these two issues?

This unexpressed anger can be the result of a variety of personal emotional traits: the need for approval, the need for love, insecurity, a fear of rejection, guilt, resentment – to mention just a few. There is a flip side to this issue, however, that we must discuss, and that is the impact of angry words spoken while in this fear state of mind.

Often people will say things that sting the other person when they were only trying to release these pent-up feelings. They say things that are really a reflection of their own internal unresolved issues rather than anger directed at the other person. Generally, most men are afraid of women’s anger and will do whatever necessary to protect themselves from it. This is unfortunate because angry women are not always angry at the man – but at some internal frustration. The same holds true for men.

The real culprit here is not the cause or source of the anger, but in its delivery.  One other aspect of anger, or any emotion that we need to get into the open, is that when we are angry we are actually giving power over our own emotions to someone or something else, often to someone we don’t even like.

In His service, Tim

Controlling life’s outcomes

September 27th, 2010 No comments

“Let us open up our natures, throw wide the doors of our hearts and let in the sunshine of good will and kindness.”
~ Marden

Sooner or later each of us has to deal with a life outcome that we didn’t anticipate, plan for or expect. Life is filled with surprises both negative and positive. It is interesting to note however how many of these so-called negative outcomes came from positive causes while some of the positive outcomes came from negative causes. If this is true how is anyone to understand the real meaning of life’s events over the long haul?

It usually comes down to your life philosophy and there are as many life philosophies as there are people reading this message. Life can be perceived as a wonderful adventure or a series of one negative life drama and trauma after another. So, who is to say which is better and why? Every life has its struggles with: growth, understanding, acceptance, tolerance, adversity, discouragement and too many more to list. Every life also has its share of: achievement, love, friendship, joy, blessings, success as well as many others.

In the end, life outcomes are the result of several factors. Here are just a few to think about:

  • Your life’s decisions and choices along the way
  • Divine providence
  • Luck, timing or synchronicity
  • Your personal perspective
  • Your working life philosophy or approach to circumstances, events and people.
  • Your goals, plans, dreams, hopes and desires
  • Your early environment and conditioning
  • Your self-esteem, self-acceptance and self-love
  • Your need to learn certain life lessons
  • Your work ethic
  • Your attitudes

No one can predict the future of a life. No one knows how his/her life will turn out next year or in 20 years. No one is privy in advance, to all of the events, circumstances, people and conditions that will cross his/her path as his/her life unfolds.

Our job is to take what we are given and build the best life we can with what we have at the time with gratitude, love, acceptance and joy. This does not mean we take negatives lying down. It does not mean we don’t try, hope, work, believe, plan and have desire. It does mean however that certain things are not always within our control and we often need to let go and surrender to the divine purpose of our life as it unfolds day by day, year by year.