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Posts Tagged ‘life’

The Question should be – why not me rather than – why me!

July 25th, 2016 No comments

Have you ever said “why me”? Come on – be honest here – sooner or later everyone feels like some area of life has not been fair to them and their usual response is “why me or why now.”

Why not look at these life situations or circumstances a little differently with a “why not me”. Let me explain.

Think about it – no matter what has happened or how bad something seems consider that there could possibly be someone in the world who has it a lot worse. I could give your dozens of global statistics when it comes to poverty, sickness, death, the shortness of life, poor income etc. but I’m sure you are familiar with some of them unless you are totally immersed in yourself without a care in the world for anyone other than yourself. I’ll give you one – over 795,000,000 people in the world suffer from hunger without enough food to sustain a healthy lifestyle. That’s about one in nine people. Are you one of them? I doubt it.

I’m sure you may have an idea where this article is going – if not – when you consider all of the disease, poverty, hunger etc. in the world I’ll bet you don’t face any of these every day so back to the title the question should be – why not me rather than why me in difficult circumstances?

I will focus on just three areas although there are many – careers and or business, general happiness and health.

Careers or business – The average income globally for individuals is $795/year. Are you making more than that? Thousands of people die every day due to hunger and disease. So, why are you whining? We spend over one third of our life working in our jobs or careers so if you do not have peace in your career – well – it’s simple – one third of your life will be unfulfilling. I’ll bet you know dozens of people who have been terminated or just lost their jobs due to circumstances they couldn’t control – are you one of them? If you are reading this – probably not.

Over 1500 businesses fail every day in the US – is yours one of them?

It’s not complicated – I’ll bet if you ask yourself a simple question – why not me rather than why me I’ll wager that you will come to realize the many blessings you have in life every day. Over 40,000 people die in their sleep every night – are you one of them? Doubt it.

I have failed numerous times during my life but my response was always – OK what can I learn from this and what can I do now – not, poor me, life isn’t fair, I don’t deserve this or some other lame negative reaction. Ever failed at anything – what was your response – point the finger, get all stressed out or just have a pity party or did you just move on – smarter and wiser?

General happiness – Research indicates that only one in three Americans are happy and less than 75% of the population are happy in their careers or jobs. Happiness is not nor will ever be what you have, do or enjoy but the ability to be happy regardless of what life brings into your days and years. Happiness is a mindset and this is not who you are or what you have but your life philosophy.

If you want to be happy it won’t happen with a bigger house, more money, nicer car or more toys or travel. Research over the years has proven time and time again – money, wealth, power, fame or stuff doesn’t make people happy. Sure all of these are great but if you are doing them for greater happiness – you will be disappointed. Do you think someone who is starving in the world gives a rip about having a nicer car or even a car?

Health – There are numerous studies over the years that have validated that the number one contributor to sickness and death is stress and do you know the major cause of stress? It’s a lack of patience or control. So, why not ask yourself – is a roof over my head enough? Are three meals a day enough, is having health insurance enough or do you whine about what’s missing?

So let me close with a quick question – are your issues, challenges, concerns, worries or fears even close to the general negative global statistics when it comes to these areas? If not – get over it and just be OK with what you have and stop complaining about what you don’t have. ##

Tim Connor, CSP

Pain can be your friend

July 19th, 2016 No comments

If you have never experienced emotional pain – you just landed here from another planet. In this article I am only going to discuss emotional pain and not physical pain. Let me say at the outset that you may find it hard to accept some of my rationale, I know writing it, no, as believing it has not always been easy for me either.

But first a definition – Pain – severe emotional or mental distress. Now mine – A negative emotional feeling that fills your heart, mind and gut that impacts you’re every thought, action and/or decision.

Ever been there? I’m sure your answer is yes. The loss of a loved one, the loss of a job, an unexpected negative experience that takes over your entire being, and an event that causes you to lose hope, faith or trust – this list could go on for pages.

I have experienced emotional pain many times during my life and on each occasion, until I finally grew up – my first reaction was always – blame, guilt, anger, resentment or some other negative reaction. In every case this response did not help me deal with the pain or its cause in a constructive way. I almost always felt like a victim and I do not have a victim mentality but this pain took me out of what I knew was a better way to handle the situation. I had to change my mindset about pain.

The journey of redefining pain in my life has not been an easy one as I still now and then fall prey to the implications and outcomes of a pain circumstance but I am making progress and thought I would share with you some of what I have learned.

There are degrees of pain depending on our attachment to a situation, expectation or person. These degrees can be from mild to totally devastating – causing us to lose much of who we really are.

Pain is a teacher but we have to be willing students and we have to do the necessary inner work if we are to come through this pain emotionally, mentally and even physically whole or in one piece.

If you have experienced any emotional pain I don’t need to remind you of the feelings that you experienced or the difficulty of dealing with the circumstances that caused the pain but I would like to share a few things you can consider to help manage or even eliminate the pain. Having said this, nothing, absolutely nothing I can say or anyone else can say for that matter can cause the pain to leave until you are ready to let it go.

This doesn’t mean that there won’t be memories of the person or event, that there won’t be some lingering effects of the pain, only that you are able to go about your life with this cloud no longer hanging over your every minute and causing you stress, to lose sleep and not be able to find inner peace with what happened.

I believe that most emotional pain is caused by disappointment, expectations not realized, people who behave in difficult ways or circumstances that bring you to your knees.

Pain is a normal part of life as we all experience it sooner or later due to some situation or circumstance we couldn’t control. The key to using it in a positive way is determined by what you do and how and when it strikes.

All emotions are created in the brain and then transmitted to your cells and organs via your neural system. So to deal with emotional pain that manifests in various parts of your body; your heart, stomach, lower back or other places you must first address it in your mind as this is where it begins and continues to impact you until you redirect your thoughts and therefore your actions and better manage this pain.

There are a number of things to consider;

1) There are some things in life you can control and some you can’t – the trick is to know and accept the difference and then control the things you can and let go of the things you can’t.

2) There are many ways to interpret events and people. No two people will see an event, person or situation the same. The key is to be willing to accept that there are other ways you can interpret what is happening and why.

3) Don’t let old baggage or history rule your present moments.

4) Regrets weigh tons and there is nothing you can do to change past events or circumstances but you can learn from them and then act accordingly in the future.

5) Feel the pain, admit the pain, experience the pain, get in touch with the pain and then let it go.

6) Life is short – you can live it filled with remorse, grief, guilt or you can admit mistakes, accept circumstances and move on.

7) Create some mental anchors/distractions to keep you focused on other circumstances.

8) Count your blessings – no matter what you are losing or have lost you still have more than you lost – I guarantee it.

9) Never let go of faith, hope and the will to live life to the fullest no matter what.

10) Get busy. Start a new activity, make some new friends, get

involved with a new group, take a trip, pray more, meditate,

volunteer, start to journal, start a new hobby, read inspiring

books – something.

This is just a short list of ways to deal with your pain. One way I have found that helps me a great deal is to read more and routine grateful prayer.

In the end emotional pain can be the only way to finally get in touch with who you are, what you want, what’s important and who you want to become, what needs to change and how you want to live your life. Let it teach you. Be a willing student.

By Tim Connor

Coaches, Mentors and Heroes

December 3rd, 2013 No comments

As we head into a new year I would like to ask you a question – are you using the guidance, experience and wisdom of other people and resources that can aid your journey through life?

Scripture in Proverbs mentions dozens of times the need for the guidance and wisdom from others to achieve success, happiness and a lifestyle that is grounded in reality, confidence and integrity.

We are all being exposed to an increasing amount of information these days and unfortunately this trend is not helping but often hurting our life journey.

The sequence is simple – information can lead to knowledge but to be useful this knowledge must be applied. Too much information can cause wasted time, confusion and poor decisions. When the best information is applied it can lead to experience and the value of experience is learning that helps us choose the most appropriate knowledge – which actions and decisions worked and which ones didn't.

Ultimately this experience when blended with the best knowledge can improve and increase wisdom.

But – when during this process we fail to use the best or right information you can see how this can lead to poor decisions, actions and behavior . . . and outcomes.

What's the solution to our ongoing life challenges –

the use of (OPK or OPE) – other people's knowledge and/or other people's experience) via coaches, mentors and heroes.

During my life I have had many of these – to mention a few –

Mark Twain, Charlie Jones, Don Hudson, Bible characters, Og Mandino, Catherine Frenzel, Ted Williams, and oh so many more. Their value in my life has been unmeasurable, but I can tell you with certainty – that without them I would not be writing this article or have given over 4000 presentation in 25 countries and written over 80 books.

I can't stress enough the value and importance of OPE and OPK when it comes to maturing with character, integrity, happiness and life and career success.

If you are not benefiting from the guidance of these three resources I will guarantee you are not achieving as much of your potential as is possible.

Yes, learning from these people can take time, energy, resolve and often resources but I will guarantee that these investments will save you time, money and mistakes that could have been avoided and can often be very costly.

Let me give you just one quick example when I didn't pay attention to my resources. Several years ago I started three internet businesses and all three of them failed and cost me a great deal of time, energy and money that never paid off but the bigger issue was the time, energy and resources they stole from my speaking and training career.

It was just another lesson where I failed to utilize the resources at my disposal out of ego, arrogance or just plain stupidity.

Never again. Now before I take even some simple actions – like a follow-up email due to a knee jerk reaction – I run it by one of my coaches. He has saved me some really dumb mistakes that could have cost me dearly.

Yes, we all have experience, knowledge and a certain degree of wisdom but in the end – none of us know it all – or everything we need to know to achieve sustained success and happiness.

If you are benefiting from these three resources I congratulate you but if you are not – this year may be the time to change this approach to life. Your choice.  If you are interested in discussing my coaching services – let's chat.  I have three coaching openings left for 2014. 

"Every man is a hero to somebody, and to that person whatever he says, has an enhanced value."
Emerson

In His Service, Tim

Whose schedule are you on?

August 14th, 2013 No comments

We are all on a schedule, the question is – whose schedule are you on?

I’m not trying to confuse you with this question so let me explain. We are all on a schedule in terms of priorities, actions, decisions and expectations.

This schedule could be a; spouses, employers, driven by your personal or career goals or God’s.  Whoa there Tim, I thought these boosters were supposed to be self-help and motivationally grounded.  They are – I’m just asking you to consider whether you are driven by human agendas or spirit ones.  So, let me dig a bit deeper – stick with me if you are interested or curious.

Schedule defined – an outline description of the things somebody is to do and the times at which they are to be done.  My definition – the inner and outer guidance system that determines your life direction and what its priorities are – moment by moment, day by day and year by year.

OK, so the concept of a schedule; its agenda, motivators, expectations, mindsets and outcomes.

Its agenda –

When driven by human schedules we often lose our direction because of wants, needs, desires and or what we believe we have earned or deserve.  Ever been disappointed by the outcomes of your schedule? If you haven’t you are living in a cave. An agenda is simply a combination of expectations and how you plan or want to achieve them.  We work, we plan, we hope but in the end things don’t always work out according to our agenda.  This is life folks as I’m sure you have come to realize.  I’m not implying that you shouldn’t have an agenda for life only that you need to be careful of attaching too much of yourself to it.  Things change, people change, circumstances change and any or all of these can have a dramatic impact on your schedule/agenda.

Its motivators –

We all want something we don’t have. Some of these desires are noble while others can be very self-serving or selfish for any number of reasons but in the end all of our desires will one way or another express themselves through our behavior, choices and decisions.  These are all motivated by something – the question is – are the motivators rational, mature or misguided in some way.

All motivation is inside-out caused by varied outside-in factors such as fear, envy, a service mindset, selfishness or a desire to have something or achieve something.  I won’t bore you with the thousands of motivators but reduce them to two – a desire to serve or be served.  Only you know what fills your heart when it comes to what motivates you to achieve, work, dream or want but in the end these motivators will drive most if not all of your attitudes and behavior,

Its expectations –

The number one cause of disappointment is unrealized expectations.  Expectations are impartial, they don’t care how realistic they are, how valid they are or whether they actually come to pass. They are created by you based on a desire, need or want.  When an expectation in an agenda is not grounded in a certain degree of reality or under your control you often have no right to actually expect what you expect.  If this is true why do so many people set themselves up for these disappointments?  Simple – they let their wants, needs, desires and expectations rule their inner mental world.

Not smart if you don’t want to continue to live with ongoing disappointment.  Another factor is patience or should I say the lack of it.  A lack of patience is a major contributor to stress and when your impatience takes over your world – beware – you are setting yourself up for just more disappointment.

Its mindsets –

A mindset is nothing more than a way of continuing to think about something or behave as a result of this thinking. Worry is a good example. Regret is another.  Or, how about discouragement, despair or even anger.  Or, how about bliss, joy, happiness, inner peace or contentment?  All are just mindsets.  So if your mindset is that you are in control of your agenda or schedule no matter what – guess what?  You guessed it – more disappointment etc.

Its outcomes –

We all want favorable outcomes, results and circumstances but I’ll bet there isn’t one person reading this that has never experienced disappoint in some way either minor or big-time.  We can’t always control outcomes but we can control activity.  And yet even if we control our activities there is no guarantee that they will lead to our desired or expected outcomes.  Been there?  I have many times and I have finally come to realize that letting my schedule set me up of continued frustration and disappointment is no longer worth the energy, time or ego control.

My conclusion – I decided several months ago, took me a long time to finally realize that I am in control of so little in my life.  Yes, I can control what I eat, how I work, how I play and how I treat others and many other areas but I am not in control of most things.  Who is?  Well for me I finally turned my schedule over to God.  This doesn’t mean I sit around all day and pray, and wish and hope.  The Quakers have a saying, “Pray but move your feet.”

Life is twofold. I take the steps He determines where they are headed and when and how I will get there and what many of the lessons will be along the way.  You there yet? No problem, some day you will come to the same conclusion I have or you will continue to live with frustration, anxiety, stress and disappointment.  Let me repeat – I don’t sit around all day and just ask Him for whatever and wait, but I do, do my best to observe signals from Him – some obvious and many not so obvious – some come as opportunities and some with a great deal of pain attached to them but in the end I decided His schedule was far better than mine.

We have what we seek. It is there all the time and if we give it time, it will make itself known to us.”

Thomas Merton

 

In His Service, Tim

Self-limitations are self-imposed.

May 29th, 2013 No comments

It has been said by many people, “that the only limitations we encounter in life are those self-limiting ones that we place on ourselves.” If this is true, and at this point I am neither agreeing or disagreeing with this premise, why then do so few people reach their full potential? Why do so many people feel stuck, out of control and without hope in their lives? Why do so many people give up, quit, settle, resign themselves or operate out of blame, anger, guilt, resentment and self pity when it comes to the quality of their life? If this question were answered in a book by the same title, it would never sell. Why? Because the very people we are talking about here do not want to take the responsibility for their lives. These people insist on pointing their finger toward something or someone else for the cause of their station or circumstances in life. Things like;their boss, their company, the economy, social status, race or gender prejudices- this list goes on and on, rather than themselves and their own decisions, actions, beliefs, values, prejudices and so on.

The truth is, and I didn’t just invent it or discover it, each of us came into this world headed for greatness in some way. We were engineered for success at birth by God and often conditioned for failure along the way by our caregivers, parents, teachers, society or anyone who crossed our path that we gave power to. We have forgotten our heritage. We have in our skull: the most magnificent organ ever created in the history of the world, the human mind, a mind that can create whatever it chooses. There is nothing we cannot do. The skeptics out there are thinking, “Sure, Tim, I can fly.”

I do not have the time nor the interest to giveskeptics or critics the time of day. I have had my fill of them during my life. If that is their attitude, there is nothing I could ever say that would change their minds. They don't want to change them becausethey are happy being negative. This is not about you or me being able to fly -but realizing we can do whatever we put our minds to, as long as we put action into our dreams. Certainly there are some physical limitations in areas or with some people. My major point here is that most of us could do more if we would only learn that most of our ceilings are self-imposed.

What inner mental images are you holding in your consciousness that may be holding you back? Is it the fear of failure or success? Is it the fear of rejection or public scorn? Is it an inner feeling of unworthiness? Or is it some other emotional issue or scar that you have failed to recognize or deal with?
-What would you try if you knew you couldn't fail?
-What would you attempt if you knew you would succeed?
-What would you feel if you knew it was O.K to feel that way?
-What would you believe if you knew it were true?
-What would you ask for if you knew the answer would be, yes?

What are you waiting for? You are in control of and in charge of your destiny and life. The next 10, 20 or 30 years are in your hands, but only if you have the will, courage, desire, skill and knowledge to create whatever you want. You can have anything you want in life, you just can't have everything – sorry folks!

“Self-image sets the boundaries of individual accomplishment.”

Maxwell Maltz

In His Service, Tim

Can you detach or are you stuck in attachhment

August 15th, 2012 No comments

Weekly TimBit –  Attach – detach –

Here's the problem – most people do the first step but fail to do the second one.

What is attachment? It's when we own a belief, opinion, judgment, attitude or principle – whether right or wrong or good or bad. This ownership drives all of our emotions, decisions, actions and behavior. We attach to expectations, frustration, being right, judging others, our stressors and disappointments. We attach to our pain, guilt, obligations, goals, needs, problems, failures, achievements and successes. Again none of these are good or bad – right or wrong but we attach to them nonetheless.

How do we attach? We defend, argue, come from negative emotions like; fear, jealousy, guilt, resentment, anger and our ego. We need to make others wrong so we can feel right. We need to put others down so we can elevate ourselves. We need to know more, do better and have more to justify our values, beliefs and mindsets.

Attachment to anything is a negative experience and why?

Everything changes – one minute you succeed and the next minute you fail. One minute you are healthy and the next minute you ate sick. One minute you are happy and the next minute you are sad and why? Because we have turned over all of our emotions, feelings, beliefs and attitudes to other's influence or circumstances.

Why do we let these attachments rule our need for inner peace, our desire for happiness and the goal of success and achievement?

It's simple – because that's they way we have been trained and or conditioned to be, think, feel, react and behave by all of the influences in our life both past and present.

All of the people and or circumstances in your life now are doing nothing but reinforcing your current values and beliefs. That's why you have let them in – you need that constant validation even if your values, beliefs or attitudes are self-destructive and go against all you can be or all you can do.

For example;

You believe you are not smart enough, not good enough, not experienced enough, too old, too young, too – whatever. You believe that you deserve what you are achieving, you are a good person, you are kind and compassionate. See the distinction here? Regardless of you're beliefs – that's all they are beliefs. They are not necessarily true, but you behave as if they are for you. You own them. They drive you. They are you. And over the years you have become very comfortable with them.

Just think for a moment about someone you know that can push your emotional buttons? What do they say or do that causes you to react however you do? Ask yourself – when I act this way as a result of these pokes or even simple words or phrases from others or outside circumstances how do I feel? Is this really me? The answer is yes. But you can change. You can learn to let go of the control emotions, beliefs, attitudes have over you that no longer serve you or your best interests. You need to learn to detach.

What is detachment?

Detach is the opposite of attach – obviously – but what does this mean and why can't people learn to take this action? Detachment means; not taking things personal, never making assumptions and learning to let go of any destructive feeling, emotion, belief, value or attitude that no longer serves your highest self or for that matter – ever did.

Detachment is a form of surrender. You no longer feel the need to make others wrong, defend your position or views, be right, be smarter, have more etc. Detachment is nothing more than accepting what is in the present without looking back or forward for justification or a rationale that proves your way is right, good, better – whatever. How do you detach?

For starters you have to pay attention to all of your responses to others and outside circumstances. You have to learn to view them through a neutral microscope that is not prejudiced in any way. You have to let go of the attitude that these beliefs, values or mindsets are who you are. They are not you. They are just who you allowed yourself to become over time due to the prodding, urging, manipulation or pressure from others. You can let go of ownership. You can change. It isn't easy and it doesn't happen quickly but you can change and why? Because all of life is constantly changing including you. The difference is to now take direct control of how you change and why.

Learn to stop letting others or circumstances determine who you are, your value, how you respond and how you feel. Learn to have integrity between who you are, really are, how you are changing and who you are becoming. This is true emotional freedom – something we all want and are capable of achieving if we will do the inner work. 

Make ita tremendous year, In His service, Tim

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Tim Connor
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Is your filter clean?

March 5th, 2010 No comments

Words of wisdom for this week.

“It is what we know already that often prevents us from learning.” Claude Bernard

And I’m not talking about your car’s oil filter but your emotional, mental and behavioral filter. We all have one and it’s the cause of all conflict, unhappiness, stress and so much more in life. Let me explain.

Each of us has a mental filter that functions in our consciousness that every new experience, all learning, each person and their behaviors and everything that you encounter during your waking moments must pass through before it is given access to our minds. This filter was activated at your birth and doesn’t stop working until your death. It is composed of a variety of factors such as your; age, gender, race, where you were raised, nationality, upbringing, religion, expectations, fears, goals, memories, experiences and anything that you have been exposed to as a human. It has been fed by your; parents or care givers, churches, friends, co-workers, relatives, customers, employees etc.

This filter after a number of years as you can well imagine if not kept cleaned out will soon become clogged with a variety of opinions, beliefs, values, expectations and so on. Here’s the problem – if you don’t keep your filter clean – all of your reactions, responses, behaviors, emotions and feelings will be controlled not by what is happening in the present but by what is in your filter.

I have had several recent experiences where the other person’s filter caused them to react totally out of auto-pilot (directed by the filter’s contents) rather than what I said or did. Their responses were not appropriate for the circumstances and I’ll guarantee that any random other 10 people would have all acted differently – yes according to the make-up of their personal filters.

This is precisely the point. Everyone reacts or responds to life’s circumstances, issues, problems, challenges totally uniquely depending on their individual filter’s contents. Doubt me? Send the same email to 5 different people. Do you think you will get the same reaction? Have the same conversation with 3 people. Do you think for a minute that everyone will respond the same? I am not talking here about right or wrong or good or bad – these are all perceptions based on a person’s mental filtering.

The question you need to ask yourself Is simple – is your filter preventing you from enjoying life to the fullest moment by moment or are you at odds with circumstances, people, events etc? Do other drivers bother you? Do you get annoyed quickly? Do you let uncertainty cause you stress? Do you allow others to determine your reactions, responses or feelings? If your answer was yes to any of these questions and many more I could easily pose – your filter needs to be cleaned out.

So, how do you clean out your mental filter?

  • Start surrounding yourself with people you trust, respect and like but who have different beliefs, opinions or values than you.
  • Start exposing yourself to new concepts that may at first be uncomfortable through reading, seminars, CD’s etc.
  • Get involved in networking groups or associations that are made up of members that have different values, experiences or education than you.
  • Visit new places in that are made up of people from different cultures, religions or nationalities.

Let me repeat – what’s in your filter isn’t necessarily right or wrong or good or bad but the information stored there has contributed to your current mindsets that control your attitudes and behaviors in the present.

Cleaning out your filter doesn’t mean you trash all that is in it – just that you start questioning its contents in a mature and responsible way using a simple benchmark – are you happy, filled with peace and successful and stress-free. If not clean out your filter.

Motivational Boosters 3/1/10

March 3rd, 2010 No comments

Quote for the week –
“Continuous effort – not strength or intelligence – is the key to unlocking our potential.”
– Sir Winston Churchill

Weekly Timbit –
I recently read a survey that said (I am always suspect of surveys but here it is anyway) 70% of the population (USA) wanted more than anything else to simplify their lives. Yet these same very people keep buying more and faster toys and stuff. Interesting paradox. We have been led to believe that more makes it easier. Faster makes it easier. I don’t think so. Everywhere you look, life is getting more and more complicated. While on the surface technology may appear to simplify your life there are always tradeoffs. What are some of the factors that seem to be moving your life faster and making it more complicated?

Weekly Question –
Where do you need to simplify your life?

This week’s reading –
In The Flow Of Life, Butterworth