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Posts Tagged ‘inner peace’

Ego – Is yours stealing your inner peace?

September 22nd, 2013 No comments

Ego – we all have one, the problem is it contributes to your stress, anxiety, frustration, anger, regret or contributes to your inner peace. What's the difference? Well when it's under control it helps us get through life with contentment, success and little stress. When it's out of control it is the cause of every negative emotion and most negative circumstances. Don't believe me? Read on.

There are a number of ego issues that impact our sense of inner peace and contentment. I will only discuss seven in this article. Not in the order of importance as each one can dominate a person's life even though they may not have any of the others they demonstrate in their life.

It's all about me -

Generally people with an out of control ego tend to be very self-absorbed. In other words their agendas, conversation, needs, wants and behavior is very 'about me'. Yes, many of these people can have compassion, understanding and interest in others, but if this is the case it is usually grounded in some form of selfishness or even narcissism. They can hide these attitudes or behaviors and come across as sensitive and empathetic but beware they are very good actors or actresses.

Control -

The ego does not like to feel out of control. It wants, no it needs to be in control of all things whether personal, relational or in your career or business. Yes, to be successful you need to have a secure and healthy ego but I can't tell you how many business leaders I have known over the years that put their own ego's control ahead of the success of their business or organization. When the ego in us feels out of control we tend to feel insecure, unsure and even emotionally unstable. In these situations we will make irrational decisions, sabotage relationships and increase our stress level.

Looking good -

The ego in us needs to look good and not how we define looking good but how others, society, clients, friends, peers and even family define looking good. Looking good means we are aware of all of the factors people use to judge others. The problem is you can never satisfy everyone's view or interpretation of what looks good and what doesn't but we keep trying; new cars, new homes, extravagant vacations, corporate airplanes, fancy offices etc.

Patience -

People with an out of control ego lack patience. They are always in a hurry and get upset, frustrated or even angry when things don't happen according to their schedule, expectations or agendas. I don't care if it's a traffic jam or someone is late for an appointment. If the waiter takes too long to bring the menu or someone doesn't respond to an email or phone call as quickly as you think they should. As a sidebar the biggest contributor to stress and therefore illness, broken relationships and even death is a lack of patience.

Validation -

The ego needs validation. It needs to be respected, appreciated, valued and often liked. There is no way that everyone you meet in life will like you and many people may not appreciate the things you do for them and demonstrate their appreciation. If you expect everyone in your life to value you, you are living in La La Land. When the ego doesn't get what it need or wants it will often get defensive or even angry. Many times these reactions are unnecessary given the circumstances and can often destroy a relationship.

I'm better, smarter etc. than you -

The ego thinks it is always the smartest person in the room regardless of the topic or nature of the conversation. I can't tell you how many times when I was in front of an audience that a person spouted off far too long trying to convince me or other members of the group that they knew it all. Knowledge is different than wisdom (as I have discussed in previous Boosters). Just because you think you know a lot doesn't mean you are wise or even intelligent. Yes, there are many smart people out there but my experience is that people with big egos need to be smart even about things they know nothing about.

Self-esteem -

Self-esteem is simply what and how you think about yourself. What you believe you are. The ego will tend to have an exaggerated view and opinion of itself therefore a rather phony high self-esteem. This level of self-esteem is not grounded in reality but pure fantasy and as a result it will often create circumstances where eventually the person will not be able to effectively hide this low self-esteem or a lack of emotional security.

 

Summary - any or all of these when a part of a person's behavior and/or out of control will impact their career, relationships, happiness and inner peace in a negative way. I am not suggesting any of these are good or bad, you can be the judge of that and how they are impacting the important areas of your life and their overall influence on you. But, I will say that when any or all of these are a major part of your personality and displayed consistently and overtly they will tend to contribute to higher stress, less life satisfaction and general displeasure.

"The man who fears suffering is already suffering
from what he fears."

De Montaigne

In His Service, Tim

Whose schedule are you on?

August 14th, 2013 No comments

We are all on a schedule, the question is – whose schedule are you on?

I’m not trying to confuse you with this question so let me explain. We are all on a schedule in terms of priorities, actions, decisions and expectations.

This schedule could be a; spouses, employers, driven by your personal or career goals or God’s.  Whoa there Tim, I thought these boosters were supposed to be self-help and motivationally grounded.  They are – I’m just asking you to consider whether you are driven by human agendas or spirit ones.  So, let me dig a bit deeper – stick with me if you are interested or curious.

Schedule defined – an outline description of the things somebody is to do and the times at which they are to be done.  My definition – the inner and outer guidance system that determines your life direction and what its priorities are – moment by moment, day by day and year by year.

OK, so the concept of a schedule; its agenda, motivators, expectations, mindsets and outcomes.

Its agenda -

When driven by human schedules we often lose our direction because of wants, needs, desires and or what we believe we have earned or deserve.  Ever been disappointed by the outcomes of your schedule? If you haven’t you are living in a cave. An agenda is simply a combination of expectations and how you plan or want to achieve them.  We work, we plan, we hope but in the end things don’t always work out according to our agenda.  This is life folks as I’m sure you have come to realize.  I’m not implying that you shouldn’t have an agenda for life only that you need to be careful of attaching too much of yourself to it.  Things change, people change, circumstances change and any or all of these can have a dramatic impact on your schedule/agenda.

Its motivators -

We all want something we don’t have. Some of these desires are noble while others can be very self-serving or selfish for any number of reasons but in the end all of our desires will one way or another express themselves through our behavior, choices and decisions.  These are all motivated by something – the question is – are the motivators rational, mature or misguided in some way.

All motivation is inside-out caused by varied outside-in factors such as fear, envy, a service mindset, selfishness or a desire to have something or achieve something.  I won’t bore you with the thousands of motivators but reduce them to two – a desire to serve or be served.  Only you know what fills your heart when it comes to what motivates you to achieve, work, dream or want but in the end these motivators will drive most if not all of your attitudes and behavior,

Its expectations -

The number one cause of disappointment is unrealized expectations.  Expectations are impartial, they don’t care how realistic they are, how valid they are or whether they actually come to pass. They are created by you based on a desire, need or want.  When an expectation in an agenda is not grounded in a certain degree of reality or under your control you often have no right to actually expect what you expect.  If this is true why do so many people set themselves up for these disappointments?  Simple – they let their wants, needs, desires and expectations rule their inner mental world.

Not smart if you don’t want to continue to live with ongoing disappointment.  Another factor is patience or should I say the lack of it.  A lack of patience is a major contributor to stress and when your impatience takes over your world – beware – you are setting yourself up for just more disappointment.

Its mindsets -

A mindset is nothing more than a way of continuing to think about something or behave as a result of this thinking. Worry is a good example. Regret is another.  Or, how about discouragement, despair or even anger.  Or, how about bliss, joy, happiness, inner peace or contentment?  All are just mindsets.  So if your mindset is that you are in control of your agenda or schedule no matter what – guess what?  You guessed it – more disappointment etc.

Its outcomes -

We all want favorable outcomes, results and circumstances but I’ll bet there isn’t one person reading this that has never experienced disappoint in some way either minor or big-time.  We can’t always control outcomes but we can control activity.  And yet even if we control our activities there is no guarantee that they will lead to our desired or expected outcomes.  Been there?  I have many times and I have finally come to realize that letting my schedule set me up of continued frustration and disappointment is no longer worth the energy, time or ego control.

My conclusion – I decided several months ago, took me a long time to finally realize that I am in control of so little in my life.  Yes, I can control what I eat, how I work, how I play and how I treat others and many other areas but I am not in control of most things.  Who is?  Well for me I finally turned my schedule over to God.  This doesn’t mean I sit around all day and pray, and wish and hope.  The Quakers have a saying, “Pray but move your feet.”

Life is twofold. I take the steps He determines where they are headed and when and how I will get there and what many of the lessons will be along the way.  You there yet? No problem, some day you will come to the same conclusion I have or you will continue to live with frustration, anxiety, stress and disappointment.  Let me repeat – I don’t sit around all day and just ask Him for whatever and wait, but I do, do my best to observe signals from Him – some obvious and many not so obvious – some come as opportunities and some with a great deal of pain attached to them but in the end I decided His schedule was far better than mine.

We have what we seek. It is there all the time and if we give it time, it will make itself known to us.”

Thomas Merton

 

In His Service, Tim

The past is dead – let it go. 

June 27th, 2012 No comments
 Weekly TimBit -The past is dead – let it go.

Have you ever considered how many times your mind takes you into the past? Have you ever imagined how these moment by moment trips steal the joy, pleasure and success that awaits in your present? I have. And I can tell you with a great deal of humility and honesty that many of these treks into yesterday, last year or twenty years ago have caused the lack of inner peace more than any other activity I can remember.

I'm not sure why I have been ruminating on this more than usual the past few months except to say that recent circumstances in my life have given me the gift of insight and contemplation about the real value of life and its present moments filled with opportunitas as well as challenges and forced me to look at life differently. I'm not sure if you have ever had periodsin your life like this, but I can only say if you haven't – you will – sooner or later.

When I say the past is dead – I'm not implying that it was bad or good, filled with failure or achievements or wonderful memories or memories that make your hair stand on end. My only point is that the past is dead. Let me explain.

Last week you had a wonderful time with your kids. Last month you got a promotion.   Last year you moved into your dream house. Ten years ago you married your soul mate. These were wonderful times. Or – yesterday your car had a major mechanical issue, last month a dear friend passed away or five years ago you lost your job. What's the difference between all of thee events? Well, yes, some of them give you positive memories while others cause nothing but pain or regret.

But in the end they are all in the past – gone – yes you can relive them but here's the problem – while you relive them you are in the past. Whatever happened – happened – it's gone – history - regardless of whether your interpretation of it was positive or negative.

I started thinking – how much time am I stealing from my present by spending this time in the past? Can't change it, but I can still learn from it. Can't improve it but, I can still apply its lessons. Think about it for a minute. How many times in an hour or a day do you let your mind take you back in time and I don't care if it was only twenty minutes ago?

The past can be a wonderful teacher while we are experiencing what is happening and yes, many of us don't learn these lessons the past offers us until much later so I'm not saying don't ever go there. What I am saying is when you go there ask yourself – why am I doing this – justification, self abuse or making myself feel unworthy or trying to give yourself rationales for past decisions, mistakes or failures?

In the end the past is the past – it's gone. So I'll leave you with a few simple questions.

-How much time do you think you spend in the past in your mind every hour?

-How are these trips stealing from the value of your present?

-Why are you going there -for justification? Pleasure? To keep some

emotion or feeling alive?

I have some wonderful memories when my kids were younger, when my career was in high gear and when life was filled with happiness and accomplishment. I also have some terrible memories of times of discouragement, despair, bad decisions or choices, trials and challenges that tested every bit of my resolve and courage.

But in the end these visits serve no valuable purpose in my now moments and they often distract me from focusing on what is possible for me now and in the future.

Keep your happy memories where they belong – in that special place in your mind when you feel the need for some nostalgi,a but also put all of those unpleasant ones in a different place and lock the door and throw away the key.

Make it a tremendous year,
Tim Connor
Business Development
MHProNews.com
MHMSM.com
And the new MHLivingNews.com
704-895-1230

tim@mhmsm.com

Read any books lately that set you on fire?

March 7th, 2012 No comments
Since I was old enough to understand the simple concept of OPE (other people's experience) I have read every book I could get my hands on to try and find and remain on the road to a happy, peaceful and successful life. To date I have read over 3000 books – not bragging here, I just want to say that of all of these books, 20 stand out as some of my all-time favorites that had and still have a significant impact on some area of my life. Yes, there are many more great books than the 20 I have listed below, but I will make you a promise – if you will read just one of them (if you haven't already) I will guarantee your life will never be the same – in a positive way. So here are the 20 in no particular order of importance or value.
 
A few of these are out of print, but are still available on Amazon in the  used book section.
 
What Happy people Know, Dan Baker
This book gives you all of the vital tools to find true happiness.
 
The Way of the Peaceful Warrior, Dan Millman
This book shares a simple concept that few people consider when searching for inner peace.
 
Think and Grow Rich, Napoleon Hill
One of the all time best selling books that shares 13 principles for enduring success.
 
The Power of Patience, P. J Ryan
A powerful look at one of the vital attitudes for success, health and happiness.
 
In The Flow of Life, Eric Butterworth
One of the most engaging and real books about spiritual truth.
 
Brain Rules, John Medina
Want to know why you can't change something in your life?
 
Unconditional Love, John Powell
Why love is the number one thing in people's lives that seldom is realized.
 
The Voice of Knowledge, Miguel Ruiz
This book will change the way you think and what you think about.
 
The Choice, Og Mandino
Og is one of the all-time most revered authors and this is one of my favorites.
 
Wake-Up Calls, Eric Allenbaugh
We all need a 2×4 every now and then. This book will wake you up to what really matters in life.
 
As A Man Thinketh, James Allen
Read this powerful book and your life will never be the same.
 
Nasty People, Jay Carter
A quick read, only 75 pages but it will have a dramatic impact on how you treat others.
 
The Bible
This book has the answers to all of life's challenges, goals and purpose.
 
The Reason Why, Robert Laidlaw
Written over 100 years ago and still as relevant today as it was then.
 
Man's Search For Meaning, Victor Frankl
An engaging, powerful and vital read for anyone who needs a wake-up Call
 
The Prophet, Kahlil Gibran
This book gives you the opportunity to look at life in an entirely new way.
 
The Richest Man in Babylon, George Clason
If you had read this before you hit the age of twenty by age 40 you would be a millionaire.
 
Set Your Heart on Fire, Harold Cushnir
Life is short, live it to the fullest while you can.
 
Waking Up In Time, Peter Russell
This book will rock your world, I guarantee it.
 
Jonathan Livingston Seagull, Richard Bach
This is the all-time best selling self-help book, written over 50 years ago.
 
I urge you to read any of the above if you are searching for inner peace, happiness or success.
 
Make it a great week and a tremendous year,  In His service, Tim