Words of Wisdom

Do you know the biggest cause of procrastination?

It’s fear – fear of the unknown, what might happen in the future or some day or never, but nonetheless, millions of people put off what they can and should do today hoping that the task will get done or the situation they fear will just “disappear” on its own or some opportunity will still be there in the future when you are ready. Sorry folks – ain’t going to happen.

Those of you old enough to remember the old TV show Cochise might recall a line that has stuck with me for years.  Goes something like this;

Cochise’s braves were surrounded by the cavalry and were outnumbered 10 to 1.  One of the braves came to the chief and said, “What are we going to do?  We are all going to die.  We are surrounded.”  His response, “We are going to attack.”  “Attack, the brave screamed, we will be slaughtered.  Are you crazy?”  Cochise’s answer – “It’s better to take a dangerous chance than to wait safely for something worse.”  I love that response cause it’ so true.

Ever waited for something difficult to just go away on its own and while you waited it just got worse?  Or, have you ever hoped some dream on your bucket list would come true in the future? I know I have.  So what’s the answer?

Why do people put things off and I’m not talking here about cleaning the kitchen or washing the car.  I’m referring to relationship, career, personal, business or financial issues that plague many people’s every minute with worry, stress or anxiety wondering if they will ever be realized.  Again, the major cause is fear – fear of something – losing control, an unfavorable outcome or the need to find the courage to just dig in and deal with it.

If you think procrastination is just a short term challenge, how about those folks who put off – a trip of a lifetime that they have dreamed about for years – until the kids have grown and left home and then one of the partner’s dies before they can actually go.  How about that dream to own your own business and finally you find the courage to begin, but are suddenly confronted with health or financial circumstances that now stands in the way.

Or how about planning that special family celebration for your parent’s 50^th anniversary when they suddenly are both diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease.  I could go on with dozens of illustrations, but the common denominator is always the same – let’s wait until the time is right or circumstances are better or even perfect.

No one has a guaranteed future and that includes tomorrow, so if this is true, why do so many people wait to embrace many of life’s opportunities from; taking dancing lessons to asking your love to marry you.  From starting a new hobby to _________ (you can fill in the blank) or avoiding one of life’s many challenges.

Is it guilt?  Obligation? Regret? Fear? Resentment? Or one of many other and often justified emotional reasons?  I’ll bet if you have put something off in your life waiting for the best possible circumstances but with the passage of time you will one day look back with sadness wondering – why did I wait?

So, let me back up to the title – If not now – when?

“You cannot run away from a weakness; you must sometimes fight it out or perish. And if that be so, why not now, and where you stand?

Robert Louis Stevenson

As a sailor for many years I had to learn very early that my task was not to try and influence the wind in my sails, but to do the best I could to take advantage of its direction, force and speed so I could ensure a safe and successful journey regardless of my destination goal.

Whether it was off the coast of Rhode Island fighting the currents and strong winds in Narragansett Bay or slowly moving from one island in the Caribbean to the next as the trade winds blessed my journey, the story is always the same – you can’t push or control the wind- all you can do is use your skills, instincts and experience to maneuver safely through it keeping your destination in mind.

Kind of like life sometimes wouldn’t you agree?

How often in the past several days have you tried to push or control the wind (your life circumstances)? I’ll bet if you stopped to think about it for a minute you would be surprised. Waiting in line or a traffic backup, waiting on hold on your telephone, waiting for someone for lunch, waiting for a boring meeting to end or waiting for someone to return your call or respond to a request. I could go on and on, but if you will stop for a minute and ask yourself – “I wonder how many times I have tried to push and control life’s passage today with my desire to have things my way – now?” Well, if it’s at least ten to twenty times a day consider yourself normal as most people get upset, stressed, anxious or even angry when things don’t go their way or on their schedule. Why is this? Too many reasons for this article but consider the following five;

Ego needs– The ego says – I am better, smarter, more important and more successful than you. It believes that no matter who is in front of you in line that you should be able to cut in front of them. It believes that everyone should drop everything when you have made a request or a call. It acts like no matter who else is on the planet with you, you deserve to be first.

I can’t tell you how many people I have observed over the years who have worked themselves into a twit because their flight was going to be late. You know, when you fly at 30,000 feet at 600 miles an hour for several hours the important thing is to just land safely – late or on time – doesn’t matter. But, you’d be amazed how many people believe that the meeting they will miss because their flight is going to be late seems to be more important than landing in one piece.

Chill – there are only two ways you are going down – land or crash – which would you prefer? So, the line in front of you goes on seems like miles. Relax. I recall several years ago leavingLas Vegasfrom a speaking engagement and the security line took four hours to get through. Wanna bet there were also lot’s of stressed out people in that line?

Discomfort with uncertainty– You can’t change circumstances or challenges if you don’t confront them, however life often demands that we accept what is uncertain or lies ahead with a sense of faith, hope and trust. I know, not always easy, believe me. But, think about it – can you really control what waits around the corner when you don’t know what it is? Change is relentless and constant. Uncertainty is a normal part of every life regardless of your age, gender, race or any other circumstances.

The number one contributor to all illness is unmanaged stress. A major cause of all stress is our lack of acceptance of the worries that plague us and we amplify with continued attention and focus.

Self-absorbed mindsets– The world doesn’t revolve around you – I know – you think it should and believe it often does. Well – HELLO – it doesn’t and a major cause of anxiety and frustration in life is when you must confront the truth that you are not the center of the Universe. I have met my share of self-absorbed people during my life and global travels and I have to tell you most of them live with a great deal of fear, doubt, resentment and often regrets.

Until you can learn to accept that you are a part of the human family and as such regardless of your success, wisdom, experience or station in life you are no better than any others. Yes, there are a lot of bad, stupid, angry, evil and just crazy people out there in the world, but I will tell you that most of these folks have varying degrees of self-absorption that they just demonstrate in stupid or bad ways. I’m not implying that you if you have an issue with self-absorption are one of them, but often some of our selfish or self-seeking actions may hurt others in some way subtle or even obvious.

Impatience in general– Impatience is the need for life to happen on your schedule and in ways you require. Got news for you – this is seldom reality. Stuff happens that we can’t always predict, expect, control or even manage given our resources, experience or knowledge or wisdom. A lack of patience may bring to the surface the cause of different challenges you may face in other areas of your personality or life (see the above plus many others I won’t cover here). Sooner or later we all suffer from a lack of patience in a life area. From weddings to funerals. From travel to health issues. From careers to children. We all have our patience tested. The question is not the source or cause of impatience, but your reaction and response to these issues. Do you let them control you and your actions, behaviors and decisions or choices or do you maintain emotional control or maturity so you don’t have to look back with guilt, regret or even a request for forgiveness.

A dysfunctional need for control– Let me keep this one short. You either let life happen and do the best you can with what it gives you or you fight every step of the way in most circumstances. Guess which approach or attitude will contribute to good mental health and a happy and peaceful life?

So, if you had to rate yourself on a 1-10 scale – One is you take things as they come and just enjoy the process, journey or circumstances or 10 you fly into a rage when things don’t go your way or somewhere in between. Be honest now – this is just between you and you!

"The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly

gets all the publicity."

George Carlin

Ever sent a mixed message to someone? Received one? Ever made an assumption? Ever had a misunderstanding? If you answered no to any of these you are living in denial. Everyone from time to time or frequently is guilty of sending confusing and often contradictory messages causing any number of communication breakdowns that can lead to stress, frustration, anxiety, doubt, guilt and even anger.

Let's define each of these briefly before I dig into the details.

Assumption – something that is believed to be true without proof. A theory, guess, conjecture or hypothesis or supposition.

Mixed message – a confusing difference between the way somebody behaves and what somebody says.

Misunderstanding - a failure to understand or interpret something correctly caused by misinterpretation, misreading or delusion.

Mixed message(s). Let's start with mixed messages as in most cases these are the cause of most assumptions and misunderstanding. You would be amazed at how frequently we all send mixed messages to others that are caused by the contradiction between our stated intent and our real intent. What's the difference? Stated intent is what you tell yourself or others that you are going to do, try and do or do your best to accomplish. For example – I will call you tomorrow. Let's do lunch next week. The check is in the mail. I'll get back to you with a decision next week. I plan to start exercising every day. Etc.

Real intent is what actually takes place or the results you achieve. For example you actually start exercising or set up a specific lunch date.

When there is an inconsistency between the outcomes of a person's stated intent and their real intent – their real intent was not to act or accomplish etc.

When you tell another person anything regarding what you will do you have to have integrity between what you say you are going to do and what you actually do. When this is lacking you will certainly set up a situation where assumptions will be made and misunderstanding will occur.

Mixed message is nothing more than a contradiction between what you mean and what you say or do. So why do people intentionally or unintentionally send these confusing messages? Lot's of reasons – manipulation, to avoid truth, they lack the courage to be honest, an unwillingness to be authentic or vulnerable, feelings of insecurity, the desire to avoid conflict or confrontation, uncertainty as to how another person will respond or react, fear of reprisal, criticism or retribution or hidden agendas that they want to keep hidden. I could go on, but I'm sure you see that there are many contributors to these often innocent mixed messages. I say often, but there are also times when these messages can cause a great deal of pain, guilt, blame, anger, jealousy, suffering, stress and even betrayal. None of which will contribute to positive or productive relationships with family, customers, fellow employees or even friends.

Assumption(s). Assumptions are those mental outcomes a person comes to when they lack adequate or accurate information. An assumption can be anything from a simple – someone will be on time to more dramatic – he or she doesn't love me anymore or I am doing a great job in my position since I don't get any negative feedback from my boss. Or even worse that a customer is happy just because they don't bother to complain.

Why do we make assumptions? For starters we don't like uncertainty. We would rather create a story in our own mind, no matter how false, about what is happening or might happen than have this emptiness inside of our mind. Often these inner stories have nothing to do with what is really going on but with time we begin to convince ourselves that even though it's just that – a story we have created or made up – that it's true. Another reason is that we lack the ability or courage to just ask others for their reality. Keep in mind that each of us has our own specific reality based on a number of factors. No two people share exactly the same reality even if they have been married for fifty years. Still another reason is our unwillingness to manage the fear that fills everyone's mind and takes its toll in a variety of ways. These fears are our way of trying to make sense of what we don't know. We allow them to rule our inner thoughts and therefore our actions regardless of whether they are true or not. They are just stories we tell ourselves to try and have some degree of control of our uncertainty.

What are the consequences of making assumptions? Too numerous to discuss but let me share just a few of the common ones. Increased conflict with others, lowered self-esteem, disappointment in an outcome, the inability to let go of the stories we have create and their impact on other situations. And finally – increased stress due to the frustration of a perceived lack of control. Not worth the price folks.

Misunderstanding(s). A misunderstanding is nothing more than our projection of what we want to hear, believe is true or in some way, agrees with our personal beliefs, opinions, values or mindsets. All misunderstanding is caused by our inner perceptual filter that causes us to avoid what we don't accept, believe or agree with. We want to hear X and the other person tells us their X and we interpret it as Y. Misunderstanding is one of the most common communication issues in all relationships. She said, he heard, he responded, she reacted etc. He believes so he says, she wants to hear something else so doesn't hear what he says but what she thinks he said or wanted to believe he said.

For example. The employee says he will get the project done by Friday. The boss wants it done by today. So he interprets Friday to mean the other person as saying as soon as I can or today. When today ends and the project isn't complete – well you get the picture.

Assumptions, mixed messages and misunderstanding can all be avoided if we will just take the time to listen objectively and openly, stay in the present moment and not the past or future and be willing to ask enough of the right questions that help us ensure we are on the same page.

Make it a tremendous year,
In His service,
Tim ##