One of the hardest things for people to do in relationships is to compromise their needs, expectations, wants, desires, values and beliefs. I am not suggesting that any of these are wrong or need to change. I am suggesting however, that if your unwillingness to be flexible with any of them – other than those that are entrenched in your DNA – you will experience a great deal of frustration, anxiety, stress, resentment and even anger in your relationships with others.
When you and your partner disagree and end up in a conflict I would recommend that you first look at what opinions, expectations, needs etc. that you are bringing to the table rather than what he or she said. It is always easier to point the finger at someone else and say:
– You are wrong
– You need to change
– I am right
– My way is better
– I don’t need to change
– You just don’t understand
Everyone has personal emotional blind spots. These are areas where you believe or feel that you are right or your way is better. Since you are often not accurately in touch with them, often your partner will unconsciously act as a mirror because he or she doesn’t have the same blind spots as you – but they do have their own as well.
When there is a conflict in your relationship the first thing you might want to consider is look inside rather than outside for how your beliefs, expectations, attitudes or values are contributing to the conflict. For most people this is a very difficult first step because they tend to take ownership of their own opinions and expectations. Therefore their first reaction is to look outward toward their partner for the cause of the problem.
The second thing is to ask yourself a question, “What is my partner seeing in me that I can’t – relative to my own beliefs, values, attitudes etc.
The next thing is to ask yourself, “Am I willing to be flexible or compromise in this expectation, value, opinion etc?” If you aren’t and he or she isn’t the conflict will tend to continue. If both of you are willing to look inside first and then evaluate your inside stuff with integrity it will give you the opportunity to take your relationship to a new and deeper level of understanding and love.
No one likes to let go of an expectation, belief, value, opinion or attitude that they believe is right. No one likes to give ground unless they are pushed into a corner. Most people get emotionally defensive when asked to change. There are many ways to approach these changes, but one way for sure that will guarantee a lack of success is to invalidate your partner in the process. You invalidate them when you say or imply that they are wrong and you are right or they need to change implying that they are not OK the way they are.
I would suggest that each of you make a list of those topics or relationship issues where you currently have differences and spend some time discussing each other’s list. Remember – stay neutral. Just listen. At this point it is not about change but understanding. It is about growing not digging in your heels. If you can get past this step with success you are well on your way to understanding that compromise is not a loss of self-esteem but progress towards a more fulfilling and less confrontation relationship.
In His service, Tim